Let's play with reality

re:

2006-04-19T21:42:00.000+02:00

http://re-janie.blogspot.com

Now. This time it will be IT.

long awaited post

2006-03-03T20:05:00.000+01:00

Apologies for not updating! Busy-ness ah. Julian's visit went very well, we saw "The New World" (I actually liked it, even it was extremely long), took him to the union, but well.. yeah, it I guess we weren't really in the mood for it. London was SO FUN. Missed you Jen, and Em.. and korean bbq was amazing. So was Madame Jojo's actually (which was unexpected surprise), it was an indie club and we danced and danced =) All of us four together again is yay.

Today went swimming. Working tonight, and tomorrow night. Bar work is great, since all the people are very kind. Stressful but makes time pass faster... Been very peaceful since last afternoon, maybe because it snowed. I felt all relaxed in a funny way. Such a nice feeling. I need to concentrate one last energy on my essay about "what best explains people's willingness to work hard" and some french work. Then, it's HOLIDAYS!!! Can't wait.

Last night had great dinner at Anme's, chinese cooking is getting better n better. Jon's Bday on wednesday, we tried CENTURION (like one shot of beer/minute) and you might think it's not that much... but gets you drunk fast. Although I didn't do it for very long, and went home quite early as had early french presentation next day.

Have to update more regularly... Any other exciting gossip? Oh yeah, that Wilson dude had a crush on me (Will found his blog)... Apparently he had bought me Valentine's gift, aww.. and then saw me and Chung and was very heartbroken. Poor guy.

Off to eat SCAN's meatballs (!)... miss it so much. Found it in TESCO =)

a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for

2006-02-09T04:26:00.000+01:00

This is BUSY week.

Monday, Kenny's 20th birthday. Huge hotpot buffet dinner in Birmingham (we drove there, yay) and then back to room for drinks before TopB. Went to TopB, came back and drank more. I didn't so much, but everyone else did. In the end, we had 3 people who puked. One who pissed himself, one who showed his balls... and I don't know what. It was really a crazy night, and me, Bill and Chung was sober to take care of people. Gone to bed like 6am.

Tuesday, Job interview (which i got, yay!!) and then out to Leamington Spa for a night out with the Bar Staff (tagged along Adrian). Started off a bit slow at a really dodgy looking bar that smelled of chlorine... but then it got better. We went to Moo Bar to get a queue-jump for Sugar (this club). This is very popular thing on tuesdays, but I have never been. Both the places turned out to be great!! Sugar was amazing, vodka redbulls for 1 pound = keeps you up all night. We danced till they closed at 3am, came back, and like ended up sleeing 5am.

Today, signed contract and paid like £200 for our HOUSE, also had a nice coffee at Starbucks while i was at it. Went to Birmingham with Takeshi, for a JENNY LEWIS concert in Glee Club, it was suuuuch a nice place. Like sitting down, all sophisticated and mature style à la Lydmar a bit and just drinking wine and listening to her... acoustic harmonic voice. It was very wonderful. Came back and was starving, went to chicken wrap which was the last one they made (the guy stuffed so much chicken the wrap did not work to wrap), big mess. Now its 3.30am, i think i need to go to bed.

So it's reading week. I really need to do some reading now.

such a étudiant

2006-02-01T00:19:00.000+01:00

I found my glasses! Just felt like I should go check the reception again today to ask for my glasses, and this time they were there (they were not a week ago). So yay, I can see again.

Had lots of lectures today. So much stuff to study now... I've been in my room the past 2 nights studying in the evenings, which feels VERY strange. Feel's like it's been forever. Like I've done nothing except studying, which i guess is not very true. I just have no time to do anything like just hanging out with friends, because I feel guilty not reading my books and catching up. Sorry for the boring entry..................

I go to lectures and talk to a few people between breaks, then I come home and talk a little to my kitchen (not much though), and then I talk to a lot of people on MSN. That's very sad. I will call people and meet up, have lunch and dinner and stuff... But just can't be BOTHERED.

We reserved a house yesterday though! Finally! It will be me, Kosa, Jon, Veronica and Kat living together. I'm happy Kat joined us (you know, the nice girl you met)... so i can ignore Veronica hahaha... Um the house in Leamington Spa, a pretty town. It's in the "posh" area very close to the main Parade. So it's not in the dodgy South where most of the students live. Our house is white, three floors, and quite nice. All the rooms are big, and the living room very cosy. It will be great when you guys visit me next year! =)

Gah, can't write blog anymore. My writing ability has gone SHIT. So has my thinking ability... I need to read more, and feel a bit more artisitic-ish again.

I feel standardised. Rationalised. Filled with a load of Business Student Crap. Bleh.

Crazy New Year

2006-01-30T02:06:00.000+01:00

I'm going to keep this short because I need to get to bed. Last night was crazy, in a bad way. We had a very nice chinese new year dinner and afterwards was going to drink a little and chat in Natalie's room. That was all fine, till I started drinking Tequila. I don't know what happened. At one point I stopped being me, I became Crazy Girl who tried to Down everything in her reach. Thank goodness everyone hid the bottles from me. And they put me to bed.

But then. No one knows what happened. Somehow in my room I managed to hit my mouth on something, so now my lip is swollen and purple, and one tooth is like banged inwards. Don't worry, I managed to push it back into place this morning. Painful, but it's ok. And I have no idea of this happening... All I remember is waking up this morning thinking how did I get to my bed. And then feeling dried blood on my face.

So lots of ÅNGEST (to continue on Clara's entry). I'm happy nothing worse happened, but it's very very very very scary how you can just ZONE OUT and not be present. Has never happened before and will never happen again. People throw up, I don't apparently... And never drink tequila again. It fucks you up!

(Please don't worry about me after reading this entry. I will be OK. I'm just a bit in shock as well...)

belle and sebastian

2006-01-27T01:23:00.000+01:00

Yaaaaaaay. I love concerts. I love BELLE AND SEBASTIAN!!!!!!!!

They are the best. Just like the sound on cd, except they were much better live! I never thought that that kind of music could be good at concerts, but it was amazing. Like you could dance and just feel the beauty of it sooooo much. The slow songs worked as well... I didn't want it to end!! Actually they left the stage, and came back. When they left I was so sad cause they didn't play "Sleep the Clock Around" which was my favorite. But then they came back and played one more song... and the LAST SONG was... exactly. My favorite. And I have so happy. So happy. So happy. It was the best ending EVER.

They just have so many songs... definetly worth to go to their concert again! Also, it was wonderful to get off campus. I like cities. I like feeling better and no longer sick. Everything is much better today =)

"Fox in the Snow" (another great song)
... ...Kid in the snow, way to go
It only happens once a year
It only happens once a lifetime
Make the most of it
Second just to being born
Second to dying to
What else would you do?... ...

just when i was getting better...

2006-01-25T14:55:00.000+01:00

Today was my free day, woke up and felt better and was like yay I'm going to sort out my life, catch up with all the work I missed, do lots of things... then started feeling stomach ache. Ran to bathroom, and had like diarrhea. Walked back to room, and suddenly felt very faint, and everything went black. Had to find my way through blackness to collapse on my bed, in between I hit my head on my closet. I slept...

Woke up again. This time was very hungry, so I walked to kitchen. By the time I got there I was so tired and nauseous had to sit down. Didn't manage to get any food, just some tea... stumbled back to my room. Was very confounded at this new sickness. So I read my antibiotics instructions and saw: SIDEFFFECTS--diarrhea, nausea, vomiting. Oh dear. So, the whole point of taking medecine was to make me feel better, instead has now reversed and I feel worse. I managed to call the health centre and have an appointment with my doc again this afternoon. But the point is.

I can't handle this mentally anymore. If I don't get better soon I will be like totally broken down and have like no will to live anymore. Honestly, it's EXHAUSTING. It takes like fight power to go "yeah, today i'm gonna!" and I've been trying and trying... I JUST WANT TO GET WELL!!!!! Feels like I haven't been talking about anything except my sickness for the past weeks. My term is only 10 weeks, and there's that much work to be done in that time, and I've been sick for 2. So it's like. What's the point???

And p.s. I think I lost my glasses. ................>_<.................

sickness

2006-01-22T20:19:00.000+01:00

Can't believe this. Wrote this loong entry about my sickness and it just gone. -_-

Anyway, I'm SICK SICK SICK. And I'm sick of being sick, I'm homesick, I just want mommy and daddys food and lie on couch watching tv. I'm sick of uni, sick of my room, sick of studying.

This week been busy busy. ONE WORLD WEEK, huge international event over the week, like arts, forum talks, shows, dances everything. Parties every night with different continent themes. I only went to monday and tuesday though, before I got really sick. Wednesday modelled for OWW Fashion show, as a part of Baobab (africans) and Saturday danced for the One World Party for the africans. In between I had a 24hr sleeping day with fever.

Been feeling generally down and like I-can't-move-2-metres-to-the-toilet-without-dying-of-weakness. Still managed to drag myself up on stage and perform, which is quite impressing. Although I probably had a high price to pay. We'll see how long my voice will be gone.............

Sickness makes you question the whole point of being single. Pourquoi?? I need guy to take care of me. This loneliness ain't pretty no more - El Perro del Mar

adieu 2005

2005-12-31T13:37:00.000+01:00

As tradition holds. Last day of year should be seeing me reading my past diary entries and remembering, categorizing, sorting out memories and put labels and stuff them into shoeboxes of my right lobe de brain. It has taken me quite a long time to do so, as there is many diary entries = Eventful Year. Possibly the most eventful year of my life so far, but with hope life getting more eventful next year (possible?).

Events of 2005:
- Going to Hurghada, Egypt with family + julian. (tick off: riding camels, seeing Luxor, snorkelling, jeep safari out in desert.)
- Month later going to Zambia, which can be summarized as "trip that changed my life." (tick off: seeing live rhinos 3 meters away (!), being showered by Victoria Falls, visiting chief of rural african village, eating nshima, shaking booty on stage of african high school, shitting outside, washing hair with only a 50cl bottle..., oh and holding speech in front of 1000 students!)
- Graduating from high school (tick off: lots of partying, lots of presents, partying on truck cruising stockholm, and also receiving stipendium for good achievement yay)
-Becoming 18.
- Summer, going ONE month to China with bf + em& jen, where i discovered my love for hostelling, and alternative tourism. (tick off: climbing Huang Shan, hiking 10km of broken Great Wall, introducing bf with huge chinese family, being translator 24/7, partying in China with friends.)
- Return few days to Stockholm then off to Norway, driving with my family. (tick off: seeing beautiful fjords, love for norwegian nature, Ålesund's "cutting" Atlantic town, sleeping in many stugor)
- Starting UNIVERSITY! of Warwick, England. (tick off: living by myself, student-life, making own food, sitting in lecture halls, too many drunk nights to count, playing tennis, absinthe, randomness, breaking up with bf once, breaking up with bf twice, cheating... making out with a girl during truth or dare, tick off: CHANGES)
- Going to Brussels, Antwerp, Bruges, Belgium and Amsterdam, Holland with Misato. (tick off: travelling with a "soulmate", stolen wallet, sharing dorm with 16 other girl, sharing room with 2 italian guys, belgian waffles and frites, wonderful bars and cafes, living in christian hostel, which felt like home, spending time with strangers, and style style style!)

Creativess of 2005:
Panamarenko, Suburban Kids with Biblical Names, Elias, MoMu Museum of Fashion (Antwerp), Van Gogh, The Subways, Mr.Scruff, Club Killers (Debaser) etc?

Songs of 2005:
let's just fall in love - marit bergman
only this moment - röyksopp
do you realize?? all we have is now - the flaming lips
sleep the clock around - belle & sebastian
sleeping in - the postal service
something about us - daft punk

Thoughtful thoughts of 2005:
"When you love someone else how do you prove that the love before really existed. If [insert name of choice] decides he doesn't know me, then has everything vanished?"

"The clouds are too low. The cover the mountains. The edges are smudged. There's no clear line of contrast between land and sky."

"Growing up is really the most absurd thing. It's slowly creeping poison. The process is unrecognizable and so natural. Yet, I can't seem to get how SURREAL and weird it is."

"Will my parents ever get to know the parents of my future friends? Parents were out of the picture before but now they can actually become friends with my friends. Just like me becoming friends with my teachers."

"There's so many depressing things in Sweden I can't wait to leave. New "inslag" will be highly appreciated."

"Was good because I started on myself before hand. Easy to come. Easy to go."

"I've always had a fascination for beds. People could be on the bed all their life. Travel on them (like those beds that fly), with bedknobs."

"My mind is so confused. There's so much things I wnt to feel but each is more deceptive than the other. My need for illusions. I thought I like [insert name of choice]. But I don't. I just wanted closeness and somebody who understood me, I wanted to click. I don't feel anything for him. I want [insert name of choice]. I feel so bad... such claustrophobic guiltness. There's no way to turn back time. The only reason I let it happen is because I take things too lightly. I thought I felt something but what was I thinking??? How did things develop this way?"

"My life is crazy. Absurd. Fucking shit. I'm drunk."

"I'm becoming rational. I want to use my head now. Can't let my feelings decide for what it wants now. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I just need to learn how to keep those feelings and thoughts to myself. I won't be happy if I didn't feel, but just going for "what do you feel like now" doesn't work either."

"I need too much. Every time I'm in a moment. Happy or sad or lonely I want somebody else feeling it. I want to share everything emotion I have."

"Weird things always happen in my life. Like fate, or accidents. I seem to have constant drama whether I like it or not. I never look for it. Or do I?"

"I just want to be left alone. No one judging me, and no one I judge either. I want flexibility. In people around. The fact that life is short and certain things are no big deal really. Blowing up everything is childish, but irresponsibility is also childish. So what am I? ... Why do people believe I'm in a certain way. What am I capable of? I'm a free emotional creature, and I want to stay that way. How?"

So. 2005. Where BIG changes took place, both in me and around me. Mostly realized that I change, and that the change is constant. Me = CHANGE. so What is me? Change. Man, I even get confused at that.

Lastly...
"My life experience has enrichened me, I'm half cynical yet optimistic. I'm so much things all at once. I sometimes see my future as a old lady would see her past. Some mistakes, some happiness... I can foretell them before they take place, yet I will not do anything to stop it. Every moment I'm living has already turned into a memory, they pass too fast, and I know all this in my head. I know me sitting writing about them later when I'm feeling it then. Life is too short and moments pass too fast..."

highschool stalker

2005-12-29T14:12:00.000+01:00

Laughing, laughing, oh i'm so happy.

I was being bored and downloaded lots of music, one of which is Hello Saferide, this swedish girl (bästa nykomling this year? i think so.) ... and then I put it own playlist, started writing my essay. In the middle of a sentence I started catching word from this song:

"I've been looking for you, baby
Anywhere that I can find
And I was searching for your sweet name
Cause you never left my mind
I've been on the Altavista
I went twice on the Yahoo
And everywhere I go, there is always a clue,
always something about you that may help me get my hands on you
...
And yesterday, you passed me by
I swear, you nearly said Hi
I could have died
I swear to God I started crying"

Was so surprised! It was the last song on the album, called "Highschool Stalker". Oh man, don't you remember the good ol' times? Speaking of which...

strangle economics

2005-12-27T23:17:00.000+01:00

gah, first essay since i graduated high schoool.

i don't know how to do it anymore.. have i lost the fire? maybe i never had it.

i want to fucking kill it, i get into such a emotional relationship with my work. they are on good terms with me sometimes, and other times it just doesn't click and i want it to DIEEEE.

man i have to work on the relationship, think things through, communicate...

everything's the same isn't it?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

hopeless.

for new year

2005-12-24T15:13:00.000+01:00

oh oh oh.

can we please go here?? :

http://www.indierave.se/index.php

Erlend from Kings of Convenience will be DJ-ing, and it's at Street and it's gonna be indie...

it's like a perfect dream come true, who's joining me?

one night of magic rush

2005-12-24T12:29:00.000+01:00

Old girlfriends are the best! I love you guys! <3
Muah, muah, muah, muah... Sending xmas kisses and hugs to all of you! (And old boyfriends as well... for that matter.)

Last night was amazingly fun, I missed dancing with you guys! Jen and me, the chinese go-go dancer, c'mon we're only one in a million. Also, me being very kändiskåt was so ecstatic when I talked to Johan in Suburban Kids with Biblical Names (who was dj-ing at Bonden). We talked about us studying in England, and he said they were just there three weeks ago for a few gigs, and soon their new EP's coming out in feb. What a shy guy though. Anyway, I got my photo taken with him, so I'm satisfied. :)

Today is Christmas Eve. I don't really feel it coming... just want food, food, and lots of food!

"Heartbeats" - José Gonzáles

blablabla

2005-12-19T17:38:00.000+01:00

Oh no. Just found out Lucy is quitting Warwick.

My only real girlfriend is leaving me... -_-

She really was struggling with the French course, wasn't what she thought it would be, and now she's applying for next year Sociology. She'll be back next autum.. but. Or, wait. That might be okay, because Misato will be here this whooole year, and then by next year Lucy's back! *solved* yay.

But I really need to find new girl friends! Who am I going to live with next year?? I cannot just have guy friends... -_-

Home is home is nice. I always get a sleepy moment around 4pm though, and now I should be off making dinner for Mimmi. Routines are nice for a change.

these constant changes...

2005-12-06T10:13:00.000+01:00

Yesterday night my head ached because I didn't get to settle down again. I wrote this long diary entry about how I probably never will settle down again until I reach retirement age or something. I've kicked the wheel into spinning and it's spinning sooo fast, too fast. I need to jump along and catch the ride. No complaints.

Cut my hair yesterday, freaky bang, way too short. I guess time will heal it... bah, now i have to take loads of travel pictures with the ugly thing.

Today will be leaving home again, oh the pain. Packing has never been as annoying. I'm going to try to enjoy the trip even if I've left a major screw-up behind (sorry sorry sorry, I hope the email helped) and not sorted things out. There will be a little raining cloud everywhere I go, if I knew there was something that was wrong. But I've gotten better at ignoring the rain.

So: http://blogs.bootsnall.com/janie/

That's where you'll find me ^^

oh, the pretty city lights

2005-12-04T00:06:00.000+01:00

homesick, cause i no longer no where home is.

So. so, so, so, so... Moi back. Moi back in home, in my sister's room, because she has a friend that's sleeping over in my bed. My first night will be enjoyed together with all her soft teddys and quietness. Saturday night on campus, people walking past doors, noise everyone. Someone opening your door in the middle of the night. Nope. None of that.

Relief?

Intense heart ache?

I thought I handled the moving back better than I would. The trip went very well. Woke up 7.30, Jon and Lucy helped me carry bags to taxi place. Took a cab with a girl I bumped into there. Hoped onto coach, slept all the way to Stansted. Checked in, had to pay £44 for over-weight which was not as impressive, and went to do some shopping. Heard speaker saying "Last boarding call for Stockholm", ran all the way to gate, was one of the last... When on plan, fell asleep again, and all the way to Stockholm. Busride back to Centralen was quite nice, smelt of Sweden, saw little red houses with adventljus, wrote a little in my diary. Summarizing some thoughts, trying to grasp the last 10 weeks and conclude. Dad picked me up, took a wrong turn and ended up driving through town. NK with julfönster, Kungsan, Strandvägen with boat restaruants, cute café by Östermalm, lights, lights, smoke, everywhere. Such a pretty city I live in. I felt happy.

I'm well tired now. I can sleep in, for once. There's a whole bunch of swirly feelings and thoughts around, but I think will put them to rest for a while. Subtle missing is fine, but I'm going to enjoy my christmas holiday (can you believe it! so soon!) here in Stockholm as much as I ever can. Right now, reality is here, and there will be no dreaming of somewhere else.

stay out of trouble, stay in touch... try not to think about me too much.

p.s. yes, i will never ever get sick of kings of convenience. d.s.

Can't you read between the lines?

2005-11-29T23:38:00.000+01:00

Past days been strange. I'm trapped in two spheres that just will not puzzle together in my head. Home in university and home in Sweden are two distinct focal points that just doesn't seem to clash. I can't imagine one without the other becoming an illusion. It's two realities that just can't exist together in my head right now.

Just like everything that belongs with home in Sweden. They seem so blurry, so vague when I'm here in Warwick. I have not turned my back, just temporarily forgotten maybe. I feel sorry to do that, but I can't help it, because I'm currently living in a reality that is here. The same thing will happen when I return home, because then Warwick will become a dream, and everything associated with it an illusion.

I'm finding it hard to know what's true and what's real. Sometimes I dream and it seems so real, and sometimes I'm trapped in thoughts and memories that was real once but not anymore. I live in this reality that I know tomorrow will be a memory and maybe a dream. There's so many different realities my head's just spinning, spinning, spinning...

I just wish, I just wish I could see the whole picture. To put this 1000+ puzzle together. But that will take time...

To bed

2005-11-21T21:22:00.000+01:00

Too little sleep.
Nose blotched, yes blotched.
Stupid period pains.

Bed at 8PM.

Yay.

['cause when i'm with you, it seem's so easy, it seem's so easy]

2005-11-17T18:37:00.000+01:00

Tonight I have an AFRICAN DINNER (free and with dance and everything!) with my wonderful african society.

I got a email from them today as well, look at that:

* For our next social(week 9) we're looking for any Zambians at Warwick who wouldn'tmind talking about their country. Sure African life does share some common themesthroughout the continent, but what is the one thing unique to Zambia? If you are Zambian or have been to Zambia and wouldn't mind participating in this event,drop usan email at su230@sunion.warwick.ac.uk with your contact details i.e. name and emailaddress.

That's me they are talking of there. Haha, yes, we had a discussion last time about having discussions about Africa. So fun. I will be able to dress in my Zambia t-shirt and talk about rhinos and stuff.

Also going to THE SUBWAYS concert tonight!!! Really really looking forward to it now, because they are actually not quite bad... if you decide to listen to them, listen to: "I want to hear what you have to say", "When I'm with you" and "No goodbyes".

Oh, and the biggest news! I just decided yesterday I'm going to Brussels-Antwerp-Amsterdam this december. I have to explain some things first.

There's a girl called Misato. She's 20. She's japanese, exchange student here in Warwick studying English Lit (but during her time here she's doing History of Art and French). She likes Blythe, she listens to music no ones ever heard about, she dresses really cool. She wants to work for magazine, but feel's fashion is too consumerism/superficial/materialistic etc, she wants to combine social and political values... She decided to go travelling this winter because she wanted to see Europe, and nobody wanted to go to the same place as her so she was going to go by herself.

... Until I went: "I'll go with you."

We are so similiar it's scary. I have never in my life met the reflection of me in another person, both thoughts, ideas and a little of the looks part. The approach we have to things is exactly the same, when i found out the trip I was looking for hostels and they were the exact hostel she wanted to stay in (even though she looked for them by herself). We will want to go to the same cafes, same alternative music stores, same art galleries... it will be eerily similiar.

Anyway, so 7-15 December I'm off on a little trip again. I just can't sit still!

Who paved Paradise and put up a parking lot?

2005-11-12T22:30:00.000+01:00

It's been a week soon.
I've been single and alone for one whole week soon.

My throat hurts.
I'm getting sick.

I'm taking it easy.
I have candle lights and christmas lights in my room.

I'm reading Salman Rushdie's "Fury".
It's been the longest week in my life.

Perspectives

2005-11-08T23:59:00.000+01:00

It's funny how things can be seen so differently depending on how you look at it.

I was at the Baobab African Society Social today, and was talking to the president who funnily enough is from Gabrone, lived in France, studied a year in Gothenburg and fourth year. He could talk some swedish with me, and I'm the only non-african in the African group. We talked about France, the society, the racism, the anti-semtism in second world war, the secularism all buried below the facade that one day will break.

He was black and he was paranoid at how whites always perceived him. Many things to him is about the skin color, that's how he analyse the social problems.

I talked to dad. Wise dad, with experience and time on his shoulders. His perspective on me was something I didn't think about. He could actually guide me back on a good path again, even at the age of 18. I'm still a kid.

When I look at myself and the issues at hand I see different perspectives. Different people always say different things. I just need to pick out the best alternatives. The optimal solution.

And I think I got the right perspective on things now. Hopefully one day I will think individually, I'll become a real individual women I'm proud of. For now just let all those changes slow take place.

"But everything looks perfect from far away, come down now, no, we'll stay."
Postal Service - Such Great Heights

The World's End

2005-11-01T23:44:00.000+01:00

In London. In a place called Camden. Right opposite of the tube station. There is the World's End. And I think I just found it, the perfect pub. A pretty little gem. My secret. It looks like a little local pub from the outside, but once you enter it's like a whole world. So many rooms, little random furnitures. Feels like living room, feels like rustic, feels like indie. The music was awesome, it was songs I knew.

Royal Holloway is beautiful. It's a fairytale, cannot imagining studying there. It would be too unrealistic, but then for Emelie maybe it's good. Let her stay in that little cloud a little longer... Because here in Warwick we do real business. Haha.

I had a good day today. Woke up at 10AM, made myself some breakfast. Did some reading, mainly Accounting & Finance. Later in the afternoon I went and played tennis for the first time in my life with Daniel, a vietnamese guy who lived in Germany and studying Management. He was a beginner as well so we had fun just trying to hit the ball all over the place. My kitchen was watching from the kitchen and apparently I was very funny. Hm. I was proud of myself though, I swung my arms very intensely. They are aching now. I feel I have done something good.

I'm getting a tennis racket, so I can play any time I want. It's only outside our kitchen anyway.

Tonight I saw "Solas" a spanish movie. It was free, it was dvd. Except it was shown in a small lecture room. It was seen my <10 people. Made me a little warmer.

So if you're still wondering where the end of the world is? It's not in Australia, or Alaska. It's in Camden, London. And it's wonderful.

Happily ever after

2005-10-24T00:22:00.000+02:00

Je suis fous.
Je ne comprend pas que j'ai fait.

I'm together again. In one piece.
Couldn't be otherwise could it?

I've known it in my heart all along...
But being sure.

It takes time.
It'll still take time.

We'll take it from here.
...We'll see what will happen there along the way.

Happy anniversary! 2 years and 3 months <3

Songs...

2005-10-23T14:59:00.000+02:00

"Too young" - Phoenix
Baby when I saw you turning at the end of the street
I knew a time was gone and it took me like ages
Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy
I tried my best to smile but deep inside my heart
I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is

Can't you hear me calling oh yeah
Everybody's dancing oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young

I can't lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong
But when this feeling calls this world becomes another
Nighttime won't hold me in your arms again
I got a very good friend who says he can't believe the love I give
Is not enough to end your fears
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is

Can't you hear me calling oh yeah
Everybody's dancing oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young

Oh rainfalls and hard times coming they won't leave me tonight
I wish I knew what I was doing
Just do let this spirit survive

-----------------------------------------

"Fix you" - Coldplay
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

----------------------------------------------------

"White Flag"- Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble I
understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Life's little games

2005-10-22T22:24:00.000+02:00

I haven't updated in a while.
I guess it's because I feel I need to write about emotions, and my emotions have been a hell right now. I don't feel I can write about it on this blog. It's too vulnerable.

I turned my back to 'the one'. My prince, I left him.
Why, you may ask?
It's life.
Somehow somebody else crossed my way.
He could have crossed anybody else's way.
There's so many single people here, and out there.
But, why me?
It came in the perfect-worse-moment.
I'm sensitive, I'm lonely, I'm missing closeness...
I'm in a stage I haven't been in 2 years.
It knocked me out of my l'habitude. My steelframe. My ambition to do so well.
How come I lost myself?
And in loosing myself I lost JB.
I have to find my way back, or stray further away.

But in my confusion, I'm torturing him.
I had to let it go...
Cut all the strings that attached him to me.

I need time. I need to find answers. I need to feel something.
It's life playing a game with me, and I need to win over it.
Somehow.

I just want to do battle it in least harmful way.

A need for updates

2005-10-17T10:27:00.000+02:00

First things first, my little darling Jellybean has created his OWN pretty-pretty (so stylistic) blog, at: http://blogs.bootsnall.com/jellybean. He's doing well so far, updating more regularly than me!

Other things. I'm really feeling my room is my home, and it is comfortable, and the toilets and showers I don't even think about when I'm using them. This past week I have gone out to the union only once, yes! Once on friday night to celebrate Richard's 20th Bday. He's a british guy in my kitchen who took a gap year and went to South America for 8 month. He's done the Inca trail, taught south american kids... Inspires me to do voluntary work. Anyway, we had lots of fun that night though. Jon and Kosa got so drunk when they came back to my room (we all walked back together), Kosa passed out on the floor and Jon hanged with one arm from my bed. I have pictures but I'm not allowed to upload them. Funny thing is I had just as much to drink... ah, it's wonderful being here. People actually think I can handle alcohol. :p

I've been to the movies twice this week as well. First saw 'The Descent'. It was really one of the worst movies ever made! It started off like a little adventure story, 5 girls climbing down a cave in the ground... then they got further down it was like gollum appeared. But it wasn't gollum, it was scary white monsters that lived down there in blood and goo and ate people. In the end... no maybe I shouldn't reaveal the story, you might want to see it just for the fun of how bad it was! The other movie was better... 'The Wedding Crasher'. Saw it yesterday, laughed so hard that it hurt, and felt really good. The only thing is I miss romantic places and sharing romantic things with my romantic boyfriend. Sucks.

I've also been at the theatre. Saw 'Hysteria' a play about guilt, regret and neurosis of the human mind etc. Freud in his last days remembering the things he did, the choices he made and the consequences. Fucking really depressing, made me feel like shit.

Studying has also taken a great part of my life. Both saturday and sunday were quite devoted to it. I'm at least lying on track, not before not behind. It's quite easy right now, but I can see how difficult it will get like... in a week or so.

On sunday morning I woke up at 9 (!). This is a very freaky thing to do when you're in uni and it's sunday morning. But I slept like 11PM the day before due to the stupid play (see above) and when I woke up I felt really good, and I wanted to get out of my room to the sunshine. So I went jogging! Me + jogging = no. I jogged around the campus, listening to music and I loved it! So sunday morning's I will go jogging. That's a plan.

What about people? Hm. Me and Jon are still best friends. I've gotten close to Lucy in my kitchen... We connected because she has a bf in France (who's coming to visit in 5 days actually!) and because we are both anti-consumerism, anti-McD, anti-multicorporational companies taking over the world. She went to France this summer and lived an alternative lifestyle... in a community without shopping, consumption etc. There is a distinct difference between us though, she's a study maniac and... well, I'm not. There's also Kosa. The other people from Orientation "gang" are not close anymore. I had dinner at Heidi's, but I had to listen to her talk about the two neighbor guys one liking her, but he's like a brother and and she liking one, but he like someone else... for 3 hours!!!!! In the end I went crazy I think. How can somebody's mind be filled with GUYS 24hrs a day??

It's the morning now, monday. I have to go to my french seminar. Extra hour french to help me get better. Yay!

The Rain has Started

2005-10-12T23:47:00.000+02:00

I have been in my room tonight. It feels like the first time I'm truly sitting down in the evening without going to any society socials or party, or even hanging out with friends. I was alone. Well, not really, I had my laptop... and I had internet. I had MSN, and it's crazy how I'm starting to use MSN again. And talking to people I never used to talk to again.

I'm going to crawl into bed now, and cover myself in blanket and be with myself because it feels nice. And the rain is pouring outside and I'm so safe. In a little isolated world of young students and study. If I just walk out there's people... there's so many people surrounding me all the time it would be strange later on when they're not.

Swimming is nice as well. I tried the pool at the Sports Centre. The trance of one lap and another, just cleaning all your head is wonderful. Then later me and Kosa went to Learning Grid (which is a place with lots of computer and tables and chairs and books) and studied for 3 hours. He helped me with my french "pendant le vacance" and I could not help him with his very uberhard math problems. Studying there was much better than being alone in my room, because then I just feel bored and lonely. At least there, you have to study. And Kosa's really quiet, so we managed quite well without much chatting here and there.

I want my red wellies back now. Now that its raining. JB, you'll have to bring them next time. :) Love you.

Kareoke

2005-10-10T01:26:00.000+02:00

I came back around 8PM to Warwick, after a long winding weekend journey to London. Celebrate Jen's 18th Bday. Happy Birthday again and again! We had a wonderful night on saturday. Dinner at Kaslik (Lebanese restaurant) then out to the Eve Club (posh place with colorful dancefloor that switched colors). Later we slept all three of us cramped in a little 90cm bed with one blanket. I don't know how we managed, but we did sleep well.

Jen got a mug saying "Cat-lover" and a hippo handtowel plus two bday cards from me. And from em a book "Change the world with a fiver". Hope you liked the presents from us poor students. =)

I got back at 8PM and called Jon, he came straight to meet me so I never felt alone coming back to university again. He hadn't eaten dinner either so we went to Rootes Social and grabbed a burger. At Rootes they were having a kareoke night, so anybody could sing. After food we were like we have nothing better to do, why not sing a song. So i picked Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" and headed for the "stage". It was such a great feeling, and I sang so well, and everybody cheered. Finally I think I found something I'm good at, and it feels gooood.

Afterwards this girl was like "are you a professional singer?"
"No, I just sing for fun" I said.
"Well you sure look like a singer!" She replied.

I love singing.

Settled In

2005-10-05T18:14:00.000+02:00

I had a free day today. No lectures in the middle of the week. Wonderful. Woke up at 10, talked to Julian, talked to my whole family in China. Said happy birthday to grandma that's 70 today. Read a little Economics, and found it interesting. The allocation of limited resources, why we choose the way we do, how everything relates to each other... it's really fundamental. Later went to Warwick Volunteers different stands for different project. I'm most probably going to be helping the Refugee Centre in Coventry, maybe with their youth project Jigsaw which is meeting up once every week with children 11-16 and do things together, make them feel happy in England.

Saw Garden State again last night. It was good for me, got into a little deep mood of life is beautiful and too short to be wasted away. Got me thinking again, and feeling more intuned with everything around me. I think the good thing about that movie is, it makes you feel safe about yourself. I'm so comfortable being me, I'm not striving to become something else, there's no high scary goals to have to reach, I'm not trying to prove anything to anybody, or to impress. I just want to do what I love... which is?

I'm heading off to Photography Society now. I think these kind of mellow, creative things are good for me. I'm not a competitor, I don't want to win over anyone. I just want to be me.

Photoresque

2005-10-04T01:39:00.000+02:00

I've had this idea bubbling for a while that I should put up one photo each day. It doesn't have to be taken on the day, but that it's about something. A pretty thing. So I will do it here:

http://photoresque.blogspot.com/

Enjoy.

P.S. I'm not using the Warwick Blog. Didn't like the fact that uni people could read it without me knowing... Freaks me out. Also like the layout of this blog more anyway.

A Lot of Bus Rides

2005-10-02T01:11:00.000+02:00

I've been sitting on buses a lot these two days. Sunday 6AM up to go to London, today 6AM up to go back to Warwick. It's a bit tough, but I'm not that tired actually. Today on the bus I got to clear out my thoughts a little bit, it gets to you when things are happening too fast. Especially if you haven't even settled into one place and suddenly find yourself (after a long spinning ride of bus) in Victoria Station. Middle of London. Like why am I here?

I was there today morning. Can you believe it? And now I'm back in my cozy little room in Warwick. It was wonderful coming back, I actually missed the isolation of the little town, city, university or whatever you call it. It was a bit awkward in the beginning, suddenly off the bus, I'm back and I don't see anybody I know. I had to hold a presentation almost directly (on Sainsbury's management) and it went well. I had a Accounting & Finance lecture that went okay, and after that me and Jon went for some fish&chips.

I took it easy tonight. The societies fair was today and will be tomorrow as well. I got so excited, there are finally stuff I like! No more damn sports society. Volleyball sucks. Or I suck at volleyball whatever the case. Anyway, I joined the Baobab society today, as well as the Salsa and Musical and perhaps the newspaper as well. Baobab is the African society and they had a little introduction meeting at the Arts Centre tonight. I went all by myself and met two other Zambians! My god it wonderful talking about nshima, and gtenges, and Victoria Falls and about making african food together and dancing and singing! Everybody was so friendly and so in love with Africa, I felt so home. Strange?

I'm Swedish. I'm chinese. I'm studying International Business with French. And I feel most home with African societies. I love this. It's all spinning for now, but maybe it will clear later on. I really really love this.

Resident Tutors

2005-09-24T11:23:00.000+02:00

This is how I met my Resident Tutors.

Coming down from the stairs after hanging out at the kitchen in Rootes. I say:

"...Aaahh...I just had three shots of vodka and two shots of whiskey and a glas of wine and guiness...."Clunk Clunk Clunk drinking Bacardi Breezer.

A girl and two guys all 20+ were standing there talking to my other friends. We get introduced.
"Hey, these are our tutors."

-_-'

University has started

2005-09-21T00:21:00.000+02:00

So I will be writing on:

http://blogs.warwick.ac.uk/janieshen/

Maybe I will update this blog sometimes as well. Just for the privacy. And I still love the layout... so keep in touch!

Absurd, Surreal. England!

2005-09-19T20:46:00.000+02:00

I'm lying on a apricotic flowery bed in a room with sink. It's on the top floor of a little cottage. Called Arlon. In St. Patrick's Road. In Coventry. I have internet, and I'm going all ecstatic over it, I talk to people in Sweden. Tell them oh-my-god-i'm-in-england, and how wonderful it is. And they feel so far away. So far away from here, but also so far away from understanding.

I need to fix my camera, understanding is seeing. Pictures say more than thousand words. Typing this makes me feel very stupid now.

It really doesn't feel like the same day I said goodbye to Julian in the morning, the drive to Skavsta. The plane trip. The waiting for the bus. The long bustrip. The taxi to the guesthouse. The walk around the city. Dinner at Noodle Bar. Sitting in Coventry Cathedral and sinking into the the british atmoshpere. Did this all happen at once?

I love it here though. The town is so small you can walk everywhere, but the things are all crammed togethere. For example all the card stores and beside each other. The banks have their own road. Then there's fancy clothes stores. Mobile stores. Tons of shops! Also they have a cheap market, but that's a bit tacky. Didn't like it at all that much. There's this inconsistency in the town, unlike Sweden, there are really shabby parts right by really nice modern parts. The buildings are either 40s ugly blocks of grey, or modern architecture in harmony with environment à la Hammarby Sjöstad or the old gothic churches with their little windmill houses and cobbled streets. The benches are wide and all under big trees. The people are young and all university students. I can really feel like studying here actually.

Getting to know a place all over again is scary... but hell fun! I already feel like I know half the town, which places I would take you to if you visited me. But that's just a little bit, I haven't even gotten to the university yet. So, much more exploration to come!

Cold Feet, or Just Worried?

2005-09-16T22:05:00.000+02:00

I can't believe I'm writing diary on my bed, with a beautiful laptop that purrs just slightly when turned on. My fingers on the typing board gives an extremely sophisticated ring to my ear, but then isn't this just a feeling we all got from watching to many Sex and the City. I can't believe I can have internet all the way in my room, without any connection to any socket. The waves seem (and does, really) travel through air. My laptop's not even connected into the electricity, right now it's running on battery. 4 Hours (!) it says when fully loaded. This is what we're talking about - freedom!

Freedom is another thing I will have plenty of in two days time. Can you believe it? Two more days. I got a cold sweat on the bus home after seeing Yang and Chiewi. I finally got the kick in the head, the "oh-my-god-i'm-really-leaving" bam bam bam. I said goodbye to Anna yesterday, today Jin-Jin came over and we said goodbye. I mean come on, people in my sister's kindergarten is saying goodbye to me! This does get one thinking... Tomorrow I will have a goodbye dinner with the best of my friends, then it probably will hit us all. We're really leaving. I think I haven't really wanted to think of this like that, and think of it at all because of Julian. When I got this WAH and GAH (haha, girls, remember the old days?) feeling on the bus, I was like how the heck are we going to say goodbye. Waking up 3 in the morning, all sleepy and tired and kiss each other and then bye? We drop Julian back at his place and then we say goodbye by the door? He falls asleep when he gets home and wake up in the morning... and I'm gone. Except we'll see each other in less than 2 weeks, but... I'm gone. I hope you guys will help me take care of him. I think he'll need you especially that first week (and I'm not even here for his bday!!!).

-_-

About me. Today I managed to do a lot of packing, probably more than the whole two last week put together. I have sucked my duvet into a little bag, my sheets are all washed and clean. My cuddly heart and QQ-penguin is all stacked down. My room has actually started resemble a room, it feels so empty! Although comparedto normal people's room it's probably still very full. My new life will begin with caution, just like I won't download weird things into my laptop, I won't fill my bags with useless stuff. It's a wonderful feeling to be able to begin anew, not every day you get a chance. And maybe not every phase in your life either. So that I'll treasure.

2005-09-13T14:57:00.000+02:00

Off to Uni!

2005-09-12T15:43:00.000+02:00

I'm getting quite crazy sitting in front of the computer all day. Developed some kind of mouse arm, it aches a bit. I'll be fine, just finish this entry and I'm off to do something more physical, ie packing.

What have I accomplished online today?
1) I have enrolled into Warwick. Meaning checking my info, and promise I will start school.
2) I have payed the tuition fee!
3) I can log now into the intranat of Warwick meaning I have email account (J.Z.Shen@warwick.ac.uk) and web blog (http://blogs.warwick.ac.uk/janieshen) which I will be using when my time comes in uni.
4) I have been on the Warwick forums and "talked" to people.
5) I got letter from WBS (Warwick Business School) with details. Now I can log onto their website where I can see all the modules I will be taking (stiffled yay). They look quite simple to be honest. Like for Quantive Methods of Analysis the assessment was 70% by examination, 3 hr open book and 30% by essay less than 4 pages. Now that was only one module. I will be taking 4 and French. That's five subjects to handle at the same time, but having done with more than 10 i think it will be o k a y.
6) I've been delving into all the social activities that will take part in the beginning of the year. Like the Fresher's Fesitval (incl. a Fresher's Fortnight, check out the link and all the other things like Holloween Party!). Then we have the WBS society with their own Fresher's Party and later on before the break a Business Ball!
7) Cannot decide how I'm going to make my schedule go together because I want to get a part-time job at the same time be an editor for Boar, hold a radio show for RaW, join the photographing society, maybe join my flute to the orchestra, try a little djing...

So basically I have been mind-preparing for Warwick, and that's almost as important as real preparing ie packing. I'm feeling quite excited, although all my excitment does seem a bit subdued with age. I get over it pretty fast, the little glimmers of "yay, that will be awesome!". Like when I got to know I'll be living in a corridor, I mean I would rather have prefered the house. Not excited.

P.S. Merc I do not know if contacting you through my own blog is possible, but anyway. Did you get Arthur Vick? Are you going to Orientation?

To live in one land, is captivtie.

2005-09-08T18:27:00.000+02:00

Today I woke up feeling great. When I was on my way to the kitchen I got a kick in the head, and thoughts from a year ago came back to me. I suddenly remembered why I in first place applied for International Business in Warwick, thinking I would never get in. The course sounded perfect in my ears then, it was THE THING I wanted to do. I was in my Business daze, thinking we are ruled by corporations and everything surrounding is buy and sell. We live in a era of possessing. Of mindless materialism. Everybody is in someway connected to business, there's no way to get away. I thought, I want to understand the situation. I want to know how the world became the superfical giant machine running on profit, and maybe by I understanding it I will be able to change things. Change the world to a better place. There was also french, I was (and still is) in love with French. So it was perfect.

Somehow along the way. Writing personal statement, fixing application, waiting for reply... getting and offer, accepting, acheiving the grades, I had forgotten what made me want to do all this. When I got in to Warwick, it was like okay, so what? See, that's just the perfect example of human ungratitude to things. I want to cherish the beginning, and be overjoyed that I got what I wanted in the first place.

Now if somebody will ask me what I'm going to do this autum and the rest of my time, I will answer proudly and excitedely I'm going to study International Business with French in a country where it rains constantly and I'll be living in a small town with a big university campus. I'm on the road of becoming a international citizen, trying to make a difference to the world as little as I am. Right now I need to learn. Then when the time comes, I will walk on and I will do something about it.

"Our natur lies in movement; complete calm is death" - Pascal, Pensées

And back to materialism, I just ordered myself a new laptop! Dell Inspiron 6000, hopefully it will get here next wednesday. If it doesn't I don't know what to do!

Also got myself a webcam...

...and a portable headset. All for having connection with people thought the WEB.

Listening to: Seventeen by Keren Ann

"Look at me, I'm only seventeen

It hasn't been too long
But it's been lonely
Look at me,and smell the tangerine
Life is a mellow song
But only only"

Hanging out with Celebs.

2005-09-01T21:24:00.000+02:00

My Celebrity week started on Sunday. Me and Julian were going to see "The Island" (which turned out to be a perfectly fine movie, still not disappointed in Ewan) and when we arrive at Rigoletto the Madagascar Gala Premiere just finished. All these famous people (A, B and C-kändisar) just filed out, with their kids or being kids themselves. So trying to get to the cashier I brushed agains Ana (ex-Excellence girl), Gladys and Blossom (the schlager trio, forgot their name), saw Lars Lejonborg, Tilde-something (the presentor) to name a few.

A few days later, on Wednesday, when me and Julian were going out from his flat to Odenplan we pass the shop for Baby stuff (called Babyland?). There I stare into the eyes of no other than this years schlager winner Martin Stenmark! Holding his baby, wearing a mössa. That was not it for the day, as when I was choosing which griffeltavla to buy for England, I see Peter Jöback (in glasses and hat) trying to choose which box he wanted to get.

It doesn't end here. Cause the coolest thing happened yesterday. Me and Emelie went to Debaser for Club Killers releaseparty. Costed 100kr and had to wait in line for an whole hour, but totally worth it! We are shit tired in our legs when we got inside and the place is PACKED. We find nowhere to sit, but pass this table with empty seats. We see glasses on table, of course no luck, but we decided to ask the girl who was sitting across if it was free. She said the people left but probably are coming back, we said but we are so tired we'll just sit for a few sec. And then I realized the girl looked eerily familiar, exactly like Maria in Sahara Hotnights. I told Emelie this but she didn't know how she looked like, so. That was that...

Until.

Yes, it was Maria! And we talked to her! The whole night went crazy, the band was SO GOOD, all the poor students seemed high although probably no one afforded to drink. Some dudes from Virginia US was high though and annoyed us very much by jumping around onto people, and trying to climb on the stage. To see more pictures just click the little flickr banner on the right. I enjoy live band that want to make people dance very much.

To conclude: The week is not over yet, so I'll keep you updated if i see anyone else. Maybe I should take out my camera next time?

Peekabo

2005-08-30T03:45:00.000+02:00

Peekabo
Posted by: puttenutt on Buzznet

The oldest school in Sweden, they had the cutest windows.

Mushroom

2005-08-30T03:44:00.000+02:00

Mushroom
Posted by: puttenutt on Buzznet

Will you pick me? I might kill you.

Hungry

2005-08-23T20:42:00.000+02:00

I haven't been hungry in a long time. In the double sense of the word. My stomach and my mind seem to feeling o-k-a-y and quite filled with things. There's no craving for food, for knowledge, or for love. Do I have enough? Or is it simply that I'm a numb, the same way when you wake up early in the morning and stare into nothingness, thinking about nothing with your spoon of cereal half dangling in the air?

Maybe I'm caught in that moment. Sometimes I feel like everything is like blurry, fast and rushing. And life seems to be leaving me in eye of the tornado, with infinity. Is this the very essence of summer holiday. The time when you don't have to think about anything.

These days when not much is happening and there's no pressure to do anything. No pressure to have to prove you're living makes me feel restless in the beginning. But now I really feel like this is life. Slowly other things creep to become importance. Such as solitarity. I haven't enjoyed being alone with myself in a long time. Cooking, sunbathing, reading, writing, listening to music. All this you can only truly feel when you are alone, when you're devoting all your attention.

Pearl's of Swine the best comic on earth. Today's strip: (I love pig.)

Listening to Coldplay "White Shadows"
Maybe you get what you wanted. Maybe you stumble upon it. Everything you ever wanted in a permanent state. Maybe you'll know when you see it. Maybe if you say it you'll mean it. And when you find it you'll keep it in a permanent state.

Has anybody noticed the little flickr banner? I put up the summer's picture there. Enjoy.

Where?

2005-08-16T21:51:00.000+02:00

Water gathered in the side by the railings.
Not afraid of getting wet.
Converse shoes splashed into.
Seeing waterfalls and yet another.
The thin strip of white coming
from Where?
Floating, crashing into Where?
Wonder.
It's journey pass the mountains
I can't explore.
Seagulls above.
Dolphins below.
Following us in the journey
Across, Through, and To
our destination Where?
Gudvangen, Atlantic, Heaven.
Who's my company? Where?
I'm heading away with the boat.
But you remain.
Maybe the waves will bring me back.
Or the water from the rain.
But back to Where?

Poem written 28th July 2005, on the ferry between Kaupanger and Gudvangen in Norway. Doesn't it remind you of Gauguin's "D'ou Venons-Nous? Que Sommes-Nous? Ou Allons-Nous?"?

For Clara

2005-08-10T22:22:00.000+02:00

Chet Baker - I Fall in Love Too Easily

There are those who can leave love or take it
Love to them is just what they make it
I wish that I were the same
But love is my favorite game

I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to ever last

My heart should be well-schooled
'cause I've been burned in the past
And still I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast

To break the almost two month due of silence from my side I'll start softly with a dedication of Chet Baker's "I fall in love too easily" for Clara. Maybe you've heard it already, if you haven't do. (Listen to it here)It's always nice to transmogrify the detritus of human confusion into something glorius and beautiful. Like love and emotions. We make things what they are. I for example actually like to feel miserable sometimes, to feel something real. Hurt, pain and longing is just the other side of happiness. They co-exist. That's why even in the most depressing moments there's always a smile (sometimes a smirk) that mocks you. The key is never to be sedentary about feelings. To delve in too deeply and suddenly all the doors close in. Because they change, life changes. You're just in for the ride, holding on and knowing that you at least are real. It's a wonder how fast we grasp things beyond ourselves... but those changes just seem surreal. Who knows if they really happened?

Seriosity was never fun. People got to be able to see things in angles and dimenstions and with colors.

And P.S. Hope you enjoyed my "oh-deep-thought" entry Emelie. See you guys tomorrow.

china next!

2005-06-20T11:01:00.000+02:00

leaving in two hours, and will not update this blog until i get back. instead will be posting on me & julian's TRAVEL BLOG at:

http://blogs.bootsnall.com/janie

enjoy our trip there! *cross my fingers and hope everything will turn out fine*

... and that's how she became 18.

2005-06-18T22:57:00.000+02:00

So, now i've been eighteen for over a day. And i'm really tired. Alack, I can only reminisce about the magical moment of becoming one year older and "adult".

The first day of the 18th year on earth went:

- Midnight: Julian waking me up by singing happy birthday on the phone. We talk for 24 minutes, I don't remember about what.

- 8 AM: Wake up, walk out to kitchen, mom screams. They are apparently making cake for me, run back to bed and fall asleep again.

- 8.30 AM: Family comes in singing, cake with 18 candles. One blow, and one wish.

- 9 AM: After shower, get my period. Suddenly loose too much blood, really bad stomach ache, and almost faint. Cold sweat half an hour, ate some chocolate, and thought the world would end.

- 9.30 AM: Recover. Go to sister's "graduation". She's ending kindergarten and starting school. Hear some lovely songs.

- 13 AM: Have grill in the yard with family.

- Afternoon: At home, resting from period pains.

- 5 PM: Leave for Julian's house. Birthday dinner.

- 7 or 8 PM: Birthday dinner finally finished. Hard work by Julian, Emelie, Jen, Clara, Åsa and Love. Me and Jin-Jin stayed out of kitchen and talked. Eating birthday dinner.

- 9 PM: Opening presents!!

Penis pasta!! (HAHAHAHA)

- 11 PM: Leave house and go out. Went to Baan Narknoi which was playing wonderful salsa, too bad not that many people were there.

- 1 AM (next day): Me and Em now left, go to Gamla Stan. First Kontrast. Then another bar. Talked to some friendly tourists, met a old Kungsholmare. Danced.

- 3.30 AM: On last subway home to Julian.

WONDERFUL BIRTHDAY. THANKS EVERYBODY FOR MAKING IT A BLAST. LOVE YOU GUYS. NOW ANOTHER THRESHOLD IS CROSSED. WON'T BE OPENING MORE PRESENTS IN A LONG WHILE...

like eighteen

2005-06-16T22:07:00.000+02:00

yes, so i'm turning E-I-G-H-T-E-E-N. yay. now i don't have to hide no longer, except when i buy kids card for buses. and suddenly i have responsibilty of myself, as if. i've been on the earth for 18 years, what a pathetic short amount of time really. i know nothing, have done nothing, but i feel old like a parachute.

i love my metaphors.

happy birthday to me.... ^O^

Red Kiss Posterized

2005-06-13T15:04:00.000+02:00

Red Kiss Posterized
Posted by: puttenutt on Buzznet

Aha, I have found new function. I can have a gallery at Buzznet and Blog my photos... Wonderful for my future Every-time-I-leave-house-take-pictures thing. You will find my redone photos on Buzznet, like they are suppose to be a little Imaginative, Creative and Artistic. I'm fixing more and more fun pictures, enjoy.

i'm so annoyed at my sister right now

2005-06-06T21:56:00.000+02:00

1. she can't help clean
2. she complains no one wants to play with her
3. she brings out her books and play things that we just cleaned up... and they end up on the floor
4. it's my fucking graduation tomorrow and after a whole weekend of cleaning our flat still looks like a pig-hole.
5. i wish she would grow up and help out
6. or just stay two and not bother people
7. now she just follows me everywhere and it's driving me nuts!

Where is the glory in cutting up a rat?

2005-06-02T09:53:00.000+02:00

While I'm sitting here writing this entry, the rest of my class has volunteerily signed their names up for dissection. Why? Most people say it's because they've never done it, and think it might be fun... I just don't get how cutting up a rat and bringing out his insides or a sheep or whatever mammal would be classified as entertaining and educational. Maybe it was educational once in a time when they didn't know how the inside looked like, but today we have pictures, diagrams... it's not like we need to do the physical job ourselves. Also, with the non-existent experience we have, even if we cut up the rat we won't figure out what's what.

I cut up a fish once in 9th grade. It's was all bloody and gooey and I didn't learn anything from it. Didn't think it was particularly fun either.

They ones who are going to become doctors might need this practice, although they'll get plenty in university. But those who never will do a thing about biology or even science later on... WHAT'S THE POINT? except for like "personal pleasure" or something, and that's just sick. I know a few of you are against "animal-testing", then why would you choose to do this? When you think about it, at least animal testing has a purpose, something might be learnt from it for the whole general public (like new medicine or something). But what will you get out of that rat?

Anyway, to me personally there is also moral issue. Where does these animals come from? Who killed them and deep-freezed them and sold them to Kungsholmen? Perhaps Kungsholmens is "just" dissecting rats and sheeps.. but they are worth just as much as cats, dogs etc. I mean, if you told you to dissect a cat (which is common in other schools) would you do it?

It is not ethical to dissect animals (frogs, cats, dogs, sharks, worms, etc.) who have been tortured and killed so that students can cut them up to learn about human anatomy. These animals haven’t donated their bodies to science, and whether they were “bred for dissection” or “stray” or “going to be killed anyway,” they still have the ability to feel pain and fear.
From: Peta

Then why do it? It's so easy not to... in the end of the day ask yourself did you really learn anthing from it, and was it worth the sacrifice of a living animal?

Why do high school students need to dissect anything? In today’s world of computers and virtual reality, there is simply no reason to physically cut up Fido or Puff. Most of the kids, if given the choice would rather not. And those few that will one day be the great surgeons of tomorrow, will have plenty of time in their higher education to practice their surgical techniques.
From: Article on Dissection

Also see: Animal Aid

not the regular schedule anymore

2005-05-31T22:13:00.000+02:00

this i have learnt in the past few days:

+ open up to people on streets and you end up having wonderful conversations & free lunch for the gratitude.

+ you might even get a new friend who's house you can crash at when you go travelling the world by yourself.

+ trusting what jonathans says will result in 40 min waiting in freezing cold and rain.

+ msn is not as scary as it was before. maybe once a week to chat with old friends is okay.

+ i have a wonderful future.

+ the present is pretty nice too, it doesn't take much effort to be quite busy. have not been bored yet, due to doing things i have never done before (like talking to strangers).

+ rain is not that romantic at all, especially if it pours down during out graduation.

+ i really really want a kissemisse... now that the girl-who-was-gna-give-us-a-cat-kid is not breeding her cat until next year! oh, i want one of those white ones, or a tiger orangish one. small, preferably male that won't get very fat. not like bell, whether physically or mentally. ^O^

+ being spontaneous and not planning things really works, things pop up along the way and fills the time anyway...

+ ...although sometimes you go crazy and send letters to greenpeace to become volunteer. (we'll see how that goes)

+ conclusion: FREE time is valuable and i will enjoy every second of it!

Is this really the end...?

2005-05-26T22:58:00.000+02:00

I just sent off the last last lastest last thing for high school. It hasn't dawned on me... no more test, no more essays, no more classes. But it will soon.

Prom below. Monday night, beautiful, golden room in the City hall. I went with my JB and left with him. Some other people came alone but didn't stay alone for long... ^O^
So adultish when everybody dressed up, but wonderful. Fancy dinners are for me, and my puny little stomach managed to eat the three-course.

Me & JB and my house. Don't we look like a "just-wed"-couple?

The couples + Åsa (haha)

The golden hall stretches only for us...

The dessert. White waitors carrying candelight cakes... pretty pretty i like!

The treehugger in me...

2005-05-22T22:17:00.000+02:00

... wants to get my ass moving again. Even if it's catching a ladybug.
One day of restlessness, entire summer of free time. Where to devote?
Passion, obsession or laziness?
Take one day at a time, before I know it I'm off to a new life.
But really, I'm so going to miss those moments.
I think I need to see wildlife, untouched environment, nature again.
Kolmården here I come!
Or... perhaps the Norwegian Fjords will heal my soul?

..why do you have to die?

2005-05-20T22:04:00.000+02:00

oh stupid stupid korean book. so happy to be overwhelmed, finally flushing cheeks and all angry at the stupidity of youth, of stupid obsessions and insanity. i miss you so much... can i turn back time?

will the future just be coldness, more and more. can you never love the way you have? how many times can you get hurt before you get tired? rhetorical questions, i'm not discussing myself here. but it seems the people around me, the older we get, the less we believe in love. the less beauty and the sweetness seems to matter. it's the desperacy of intimacy, except it's all just a curtain, it's not real! or is it?

think about before when you would like someone with your whole heart, and you were really blinded by everything. whatever you call it, a crush, a heartbeat. but it was that longing, that my god i think about you every second of my life. when was the last time you felt like that?? it was the fairytale age. the time when you believed in the prince, but the older we get the more distorted the image of the man on the white horse gets.... and it's fading, we're fading...

bu...huuuu...>_<... i want to be the princess again, i want to be the sleeping beauty. why let me wake up time? why, oh why? but i trust, i trust in you... and it will all end all well... it's just things are changing so fast, you can't control them, and i really don't want to let go of the side of me that was "ignorant in bliss".

but i love, i have loved for almost two years. and i'm happy, i'm balanced. but i'm growing up, and it gets serious... and i'm still... i'm still the kid. or am i?

-_-......-_-..........>_<.........

-O-...-O-... ^O^...

2005-05-18T12:31:00.000+02:00

Ahahaha, I have caught the stupid Korean book wave, so many stupid little teenage girls get it nowadays. Of course, how can you help it, when there's two shuai-ge waiting for you to read...

I like being obsessed, haven't gotten into anything for a loooooooong time. Like I used to get obsessed about things, like get small crushes that go over. And THANK GOD I have not grown away from that! ^O^ So thank you, stupid korean book and movie for saving me. It makes my life a little happier, like knowing that there might be stupid korean high school crushes out there... !! Stupid stupid teenage, so different from the eeky swedes, it's so much more SWEET and CUTE and oh how COOL.

Have to make myself stop giggling, am behaving like I was three years ago. Yay! =_=

And oh I'm jobless again, more much more time-full, and will live off my parents for one last summer, and enjoy the last free time before I grow up and go off to university. I really don't mind, especially if the sun's shining, and more stupid korean books are awaiting for me ^^... But perhaps I should sue the stupid Punjab for only wanting me to get 40/h and BLACK. -_-

EEeeee....^O^....hihihihihi... -_-'....

I got a job!!!! x 1000

2005-05-11T19:13:00.000+02:00

Some moments of less than 30 second can change everything...
My phone rang today, and it was from Restaurant Punjab, the Indian restaurant in Gamla Stan which I applied for a job few weeks ago. And they want me to start working this weekend!

So lalala... I guess it shows that everything does work out, and you just never have to give up and wish that luck will strike at the least expected time.

So adieu weekends, I will be serving people.

Oh, how much can you hate chinese?

2005-05-08T21:45:00.000+02:00

I'm still writing my essay. I have been constantly doing so for the past three days, and the days before. Well I say I have been constantly doing so, but really I sit by the computer write one sentence then do something else. I can't concentrate, and when I do it's too hard to I can't write it.

But still with many days work I have managed to gather small pieces together into 3700 words/symbols. It's not the quantity, because I still miss the conclusion and some parts in the middle, which means I still have to sit here and write it. I don't bother! I'm too sick of it right now, I need more time... But i guess I won't really get my ass to it until I know I have to turn it in in two days time.

All this work... and I won't even get an Excellent. Because I have not read another f*** chinese book. Gah, I guess it's the whole process of learning chinese that is more important. What bullshit.

To more cheerful subjects, I have found a new band. "Kings of Convenience" consist of two norwegian guys and have the most wonderful mellow soft rockish indie rock pop kind of thing. My taste exactemment. ^_^ There website is here, and you must have heard that "I rather dance, I rather dance than talk with yooou..." song. You have to see the video, here. It's the cutest thing... and so beautiful!

It will all work out...

2005-05-04T22:25:00.000+02:00

So, past two days have been annoying and a bit horrible (as we say in french). Back and forth and back and forth about age limits, stupid berzelii people and certain unsolidarity from classmates. Dream of having a wonderful up till 05:00 dancing class graduation party with lots of a wonderful people and fun is probably not going to exist. We are underaged and will be kicked out unless we hide in the toilets or borrow an ID.

So solution: me and Clara will be having our own studentskiva. It will be free, we will be aloud to drink, and we invite people we want and we get to be in the centre of attention. The "theme" will be... Houseparty nostalgia (one last time), if i get to have my say haha. Why didn't we think of it before? (the whole class spirit, oh but we have to do a class thing was more important then i guess).

Anyway apart from the whole graduation business there are other things to do that does not need you to be eighteen.

This friday Suburban Kids with Biblical names is having a concert at Kulturhuset for FREE! (Kickoff for Hultsfredfestivalen, but i don't understand why it's in Stockholm?) Anyway. Here's the link.

So life does not end when age does matter, in the end we will probably live longer anyway!

Hats on, Yoho!

2005-04-30T14:21:00.000+02:00

The day of Graduation-Hats-Finally-Arriving-On-Your-Head has finally arrived and begone. It was yesterday. We all gathered out in the school yard, holding our pretty little white hats and hoping the sun would shine. The principal made her very comical speech as always, although probably not deliberatly. She talked about flowers and bees, and spring, and about birds singing in the trees. It was only for a few minutes, then she said: "Hip hip hurrah! hip hip hurrah!" And off were the hats on our heads... and everybody was laughing and screaming, finally realizing that our school days are over (soon).

The sun shone at that moment, and no I'm not hallucinating. It was a pretty happy moment. All those bad thoughts I've been having for the past weeks are just like blown away, and I'm so relieved and think "maybe I will enjoy it after all".

At night we went to Little Persia, a bar in Söder. They had cushions and low stools, very much like a café. We were six girls talking about everything, and it was a nice change of surrounding. It was like oh, new people, how do you communicate. But in the end we hit it off quite well, haha, and I was the only one with a boyfriend so.... (nanananana)... no, what I'm trying to say is that makes me appreciate my current situation even more. ^_^ Also got rid of five freaking tickets! Another relief... only three left.

Pictures below...

I won a little piggy!

2005-04-24T09:23:00.000+02:00

So, yesterday had a little surprise for Julian, which was taking him to Gröna Lund (the tivoli). Was a wonderful day, bit cold, even of the sun. Went into Spökhuset for the first time in my life, and was pretty freaked out. The most stupidest thingy was taking my little sister in as well, she cried... Anyway.

Grönan feels like home after being there so many times, and you know that it will always be the same the next time. Well sort of, the moved pop expressen inside where radiobilarna used to be and where it was before is "the new surprise of the year" (we didn't get to see it unfortunately) and Go-kart is gone, replaced by radiobilarna. Yes, so we went on everything, except extreme because it had km long lines. I still think I like Katapulten and Frittfall most, Katapulten the second time when you fall, when you are relaxed... Frittfall is just nice.

Also took Julian to the Kärlekstunnel ♥ First time in my life had a boy with me when riding that boat... It's like a dream come true.

But the wonderfulest moment was when we were gonna do femkamp, and it was like basketball hoops. You pay 10kr for one ball, and if you get it in you get a prize. We both got a ball each, and to the big surprise of everybody Janie's basket talent decided to show, and wooo my ball bounces of the hoop and into the hoop next to it! Haha, so I won a little piggy! (Julian unfortunately wasn't as lucky as I was)

.

finally, booked.

2005-04-20T22:53:00.000+02:00

ah, again i have poured too much water over my head.

first of all there's what mom says, then dad says, then my boyfriend says, and my friend says... and everything just gets into my head, and i have to do this way and that, and i go coo-coo.

basically, i had to book chinese flight tickets. dad get's this call today with uber-cheap tickets only 4800kr, and i have to book book very urgently. so i call emelie, homephone down, mobile no one answer, i call jen no one at home (remember she's at art class), then i call julian.. who say's why do you call me, i can't decided anything before you talk to emelie and jen. Then i get stressed, because the tickets are getting booked, and every second is precious. I try to call emelie again, and she answers, and she CAN go on 30th, then i call jen who is home finally and she can go on 30th. so i go YIPIEE, and book the tickets. then julian to tell the great news, but he's watching LOST so won't answer the phone, and i call emelie and jen and they both say okay. then julian calls back, and i tell him the great news, and he goes "but why didn't you talk to me before booking?"

and i go o_O and start crying.

then my dad and mom get's really worried and run over to me sobbing my the computer, dad by the way has been sitting beside me almost all the time when i was booking, helping me with the stuff. nice supportive dad who will let me use his credit card. anyway, then we cry and scream a bit at each other, and say we are not angry with each other but the voice level is like up HERE. anyway, and i feel very self-pitying, thinking how i have been sitting trying to book tickets all evening and planning the trip, and sacrificing so much, while he screams about how he has given in semesterpaper thingy and it might not work... but then it might work, because i have to stop sobbing right, so in the end it's all fine.

my father says: he's too narrow-minded, too "si" (stuck) he has to be more like a man and make sure everything's fine.
my mother says: that's good, because he's not a player, he treats janie well.
then they argue for a bit.

but my mother also thinks i'm insane taking all this responsibility. i mean what do i get out from this?? just imagine, booking train tickets, hotels, buses, translating, making sure they feel all fine in china, eating the right things, not getting lost, their money in the right place, i feel like hönsmamma. haha, and it hasn't even started.

so guy don't depend too much on me, i'll try my best, but if something goes wrong i can just imagine the blame and shame. explain to your dear parents that this is YOUR trip, not something like "we are staying at janies place" and JANIE WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. because what if janie can't, although she'll try. but something can happen to me just as easy as it might happen to you...

anyway if you say one single little word bad about china or my planning or me, i will be pissed off and cry. HAHA. yes, im that sensitive.

42 kg.

2005-04-12T18:11:00.000+02:00

I'm too fat. 42 is too much, I want to be 30, then 20, then 10... then back to ZERO. I want to vanish. Diminish day by day, slowly shrinking into emptiness. The emptiness that once did not exist, but increases every second. Swallowing every part of me, every little gram of me I had, taking everything. Consuming me.

If i disappear, would you notice?

My feelings have gone cold, just like the rest of my soul. The soul that once burnt like a fire for what it believed in, the soul I gave a way. Time by time, it got slashed, and what I'm i without it? A hollow shell of 42 kg. That might just as well be gone too, what use has it if there's nothing inside?

I want to lie down and sleep, sleep a very long time...

I'm too tired. Already sick of this rollercoaster ride, wanting to throw up once again. Except it always get stuck, and never comes out. All the words, they rummage, they're chaotic in my mind. Hurricane behind my eyelids, but such peace outside. STUCK. Inside this 42 kg, cannot reach out. THEY SCREAM. THEY SCREAM. Screaming for attention, not knowing who will catch her if she falls. What happened to security, what happened to trust? Replace by jealousy that never existed before. Such disgust, such distaste. Such seriousness. When did life become fun-less. Don't want to have anything to do with it all.

Want to escape. Escape this 42 kg.

Hungry, stuffing myself with food, wanting to fill this hole. Trying to heal myself, from the ugliness that is consuming me. I keep trying, and trying... But it's never content, it never get enough. And i only get smaller. Shrink into nothingness.

And all I want is for you to see me... but you see right through me.

Re-porcelain doll-ed

2005-04-10T00:25:00.000+02:00

Haha! I have finally remembered to grab dad's harddisk where all my old files where stored since we changed computer... And i got to see all my pretty website again! And tons of funny pictures and videos. Ah, memories.

Anyway, have been working on my Zambia Dairy website, and so far this is how it looks like: http://www.ilikezambia.tk .

Also have re-uploaded my Porcelain Doll website, thought I shouldn't forget my glorious days as a pop singer. Haha, so you can find it at: http://www.porcelaindoll.tk.

Some girl commented on my music and said: "Oh my gawd i love your songs! its like your lyrics are intoxicating or something.. they go perfectly with the music! keep up the good work! and put up more songs ^^; xoxo-Emily"

o_O maybe i should reconsider and become a pop singer??

anyway, been enjoying myself and re-finding the past few years. see it's not good to forget, i did some heck of a fun things.. i have to learn a way to keep track of them. make a website or write a book or something. ^^

Sitting on needles

2005-04-05T22:55:00.000+02:00

It's not good to not like your current situation. The place you are currently situated. My title is not meant word by word. But being in Sweden is like sitting on needles, it hurts my ass just to walk around this place!

I have found BootnAll this wonderful traveller's website and now I'm all into it again. It feels so great and refreshing that I can start planning my next get-a-way to CHINA, CHINA, CHINA! I'm also very inspired to keep a travellers blog, which means i have to finish writing my Zambia Diary!! I'm going to make a website of some sort, I have to... I can't just forget and let all my passions run through man fingers like sand and then be... sand (gone).

Anyway, needles only for two more month. Then my ass will feel good again!

A puzzle of memories or me?

2005-03-31T21:29:00.000+02:00

I've just been rummaging through all my old diaries, the more interesting ones i find when I went to 9th grade before coming to High School. I have exactly the same kind of thoughts sometimes, just trying to fit in, and making the best of the situation. Also i was looking forward to the future, of a new life in Kungsholmen. Hoping things will all be different then, which they indeed have in a great extent.

20020407 (almost 3 years ago)
I'm afraid. Afraid of not getting a Romeo and Juliet episod of my life. Afraid of not getting any family. Afraid of my fire burning out. Afraid of living an unknown person in Sweden. Afraid of never getting freedom to travel. Afraid of what the world has to offer. Afraid of choosing the wrong roads. Afraid of coming to a dead end. Afraid of myself and what I can do to me. Afraid of reality ruining me. Afraid of FATE. Afraid of no one scattering my ashes over the river... Afraid. But I guess right now I'm mostly afraid of not experiencing true love and true love back. We'll see... We'll see... We'll see...

So we saw. And we saw TRUE LOVE. But still we are AFRAID. Afraid of loosing, afraid of complexity, afraid of adult-hood. More so, still afraid of myself, but am becoming better friends with myself now, and hopefully I will know what to do with myself in the future. But most probably, I won't.

20020727
Read the news today, with the first page about a big fire in Södermalm. Dad talked about Jenny's phone call yesterday, saying that they have moved to a new apartment in Söder. Then my stupid mouth which is totally TOO attached to the brain, said:

"Did it burn up?"

I mean sometimes things like that just flies from my brain and then they fly right through my mouth. After that dad held a lecture about me making enemies with my bad habit.

That bad habit still sees the light of day... slapslap janie's mouth.

Also, read this; a poem I wrote almost exactly two years ago. I still feel the same, and JB's right, I want too many things. I'm affected by too many things. I was like that, and maybe I always will be like that. Without that, I'm not really me. So some things will never change I guess.

So what have I learnt today? In order to help others, you have to help youself first. So in order to understand and know others, you have to know and understand yourself. I won't turn my back on myself again and I won't betray myself. STICK TO WHAT I BELIEVE IN.

/elevation of kitsch/

2005-03-29T21:38:00.000+02:00

“The kitsch kitchen... has aqua-and-white gingham curtains and rubber duck-yellow walls painted in a fried-egg motif” (Suzanne Cassidy).

i love kitsch. i have always been a big fan of kitsch. kitsch is tasteless, it's tacky, VULGAR. it's ugly so it's beautiful. it's luminous, colorful, happy... it's mismatch, it's scrap, it's garbage... it's ART. and i love it.

i want my life to weird. i want my life to kitsch, to be tacky, vulgar and BEAUTIFUL. strange. mysterious. sentimental. neurotic. but it's really quite normal.

so. my artsy fartsy side is coming up again. and my life is going on... i want a studio apartment, or like a old factory renovated into a yellow brick house, filled with lots of ugly things =)

i like being me. even when i do stupid things, and wreck the whole world awound. i guess that's a part of being alive, and if i pinch myself i probably won't wake up. i'm just getting to know myself better day by day, and then maybe the post-me will be different from the pre-me, who will know?

i think i can change. to some extent. but i'd still be attracted to kitch, to the ugliness you see that i find so beautiful.

i want you inside me, stonehard

2005-03-19T22:28:00.000+01:00

so janie might be a little sexually frustrated. ahem. can't wait till period is over and just f*** my brains out. ahem. i can't believe i'm writing this...

ignore the previous statement.

i want to write a normal entry, and talk about normal things like things on my mind. but apparently they are not very normal, so tabooboo. SEX SEX SEX. gah, what is wrong with my hands today! they are just typing way into SEX-HOOD.

o_O

slap.

anyway. i'm into before sunset all over again, it's like re-phase. i just say the first half of ít today in a totally different light. it's so beautiful, and she's so like me. i want to be just like her.

so, i've come in terms (sort of) with coming back now. not very in tuned with the DAILY life as such... yet. i do feel that forgetting is coming, certain smells and flashes of memories don't flash in my head anymore. very sad. so i really need to finish typing in my diary before i don't bother. i've written four letters, at least that's done. i don't want to forget though, i don't want to get use to this life anymore. and the first signs of that is now i'm gradually starting to look forward uni again... and i care about my stupid grades.

but there's something more out there, life is not just this puny little complain hole. and it's fucking good to know that!

slapback to the absurd reality

2005-03-12T22:42:00.000+01:00

I'm still in a daze. A empty, hollow little daze of after-shake of Zambian impressions. I have never felt as lonely has I have done these past few days, and that I believe is really due the contrast. The coldness of the weather, the coldness of the people. I'm not used to not being surrounded by at least five black faces at once. It takes getting use to the I'm-living-in-a-city-with-1-million-people-all-around-me-but-I'm-all-alone-and-would-never-speak-to-them-thing.

It's the whole poor people who don't have that much material things, but live in a little village thing. Walking to each others houses when it's dark, and just chatting loud enough to be heard over the crickets singing outside the veranda. Then walking home again under the trillions of stars forming a milkey way that feels glued to the dark sky. The little dirt path that has hidden holes and bumps, you could trip anytime. When you get home you splash yourself with the cold water that is actually lukewarm because it's been in the sun, and then you crawl in to your little mosquito net without any blanket.

Then it's dark. And you sleep like a baby. No computer, no tv, no books. Just lots of time with people and conversations. I miss it so much. It hurts so much to be back, a paralyzing pain of WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING HERE? This life is not a life. It's only a little part of life. And it's not good enough for me anymore.

in zambia

2005-03-05T12:06:00.000+01:00

ah, might as well just update diary instead of writing emails. so saw the rhinos today, was so overwhelmed i started crying of joy. they were sleeping so the guards took us really really near. there's two of them left now, molly and fwanya. female and male. they are the adorablest thing ever living. i love rhinos.

anyway, yesterday saw the victoria falls, and i think i just fell in love. it was like going to paradise, gah so hard to explain the feeling. the masses of 10 million liter water/minute crashing down the gorge. the adrenalin kick.

gah want to write more but gotta go, kat is apparently done with her comp. puh. cya guys soon.

pre-zambia

2005-02-24T20:46:00.000+01:00

okay, okay... so now i might have gotten finally a little little tint of fade shimmer of excitement. i still don't really feel like i'm going, but since there's a overpacked suitcase in the room, it's hitting me. i don't know though, i've never felt this UNexcited over a trip, this is definetly not the usual me. i blame it all on those stupid malaria pills, soon i'll probably be hallucinating things too. haha, they are like DRUGS.

anyway, just saying un dernier GOOD-BYE. Au revoir. Zai Jian. Auf Wiedersehn. Hola bye. i will be back in less than two weeks. you won't even miss me. and i will definetly not miss the snow.... (but my god everything else!!!)

love you all, hope i don't die of malaria, aids, cholera, carcrash, rhinos, falling down victoria falls, plane crash or whatever awaits me. FAREWELL! (off to see 24 :)

post-chinese test

2005-02-22T22:47:00.000+01:00

I probably did the most stupid thing you could do today.

I was going to transfer pictures from my MEMORY CARD into the COMPUTER, then I though why shouldn't I FORMAT the MEMORY CARD? Now why my mind gave this little idea spark I do not know, perhaps it was because I read this photography book that you should format your memory cards. Anyway. So, then I clicked in the computer on a little button that says FORMAT. And woops my MEMORY CARD got FORMATTED. Yay.

Here comes the catch.
When I put the card back into the camera again, the camera wouldn't recognize it because the FORMATTING WAS WRONG!!! And, then, me, sweating, soon crying... ran for the instruction booklet thingy and guess what it says there?

WARNING! Do not format the MEMORY CARD in your computer, only format in the compatible blaba... camera.

Ha ha ha... so I screwed my 128MB memory card, and have no where to store my pictures from ZAMBIA. BUHU. I just don't understand WHY WHY WHY i had to format?? Sometimes the brain does weird things, it's the nerves... the same thing happens when you DELETE and CHANGE things that you can't ever get back. Computers suck too in this whole story.

No one comments on my entries... it feels lonely out here.

menstruation

2005-02-16T22:00:00.000+01:00

i feel so utterly weird today. all tired and soggy sometimes, and okay others. stopped pills on sunday, so its been three days and i should get my period now!!!!! if it's not coming tomorrow i will be bananas. i wonder if it's because of the malaria pills and cholera stuff i took in the weekend. anyways, hormones are all fucked up, and i'm going to bed.

valentines

2005-02-15T14:43:00.000+01:00

My eyes hurt. I'm so bored by the computer waiting for chinese to start, not being able to do any homework. Also, have no more interesting webpages to check, having gone through hotmail, ucas, and tabulas. I can't wait till I hear anything from anywhere, unis, jobs. I want to get this whole thing over with, I hate the waiting. Also, can't wait till I go to ZAMBIA next friday!!!!

So. Yesterday was Valentine's, which made the monday a little special, almost like friday. Which makes my being in school seem absurd. I think it's because too little sleep that my eyes hurt, it must be it. [So quiet in the library, all alone] Anyway. I went to JB's since ended before him, got him JellyBeans (obviously) and put our picture on his desktop with lots of post-its, macintosh is the coolest! He came home, we ate a little, then went to see Sandor/slash/Ida, a swedish teenage movie about love, which is totally too gross and absurd and fake for me. Couldn't stand it, don't know why, have a thing against fjortisar, tacky clothed and are so weak that they have to fit it-ish stuff. No really, can't people be a little more UNIQUE?! Pissed me off.

So julian was a little put off that i didn't like the movie, as it was his "surprise" (hahahah! which i had guessed out the day before!) and we walked in the cold weather to Sardin, pretty restaurant only 16kvm. [before that, i must say, i managed to throw a little snow n his face, couldn't help it. my apologies.] With tables that you have to pull our from wall so people can get in to sit. It was totally crammed, and jazz music streamed, and only one waitor. Roses had there step cut short to fit into the typical Littala KIVI candle light holders, very romantic. Food was amazing too, mixture of husmanskost with sweet asian spices. It didn't feel like a restaurant, more like a cafe/bar with people eating.

Now after sharing my wonderful last night ^_~ i should work on my french.

dylan thomas

2005-02-10T20:12:00.000+01:00

At Julians. Should be writing my damn bloody ENGLISH ESSAY about you wonderful people in my little gang. All this should be in style of Dylan Thomas weird, very uberpoetic welsh fellow. So pretty mac computer wants me to just play around. Concentrate, concentrate... making fun of you people in a poetic way shouldn't be this hard!

Happy New Year!

2005-02-08T18:33:00.000+01:00

Happy new year!

Ah, new year, new start... only been like two months since last new year but anyway. Chinese new year counts! Just got back from the Education section of Chinese Embassy celebrating the new year by watching Chun Jie Wan Hui.

Anyway, to the big news. New year and new identity. Not really new identity fine.. but anyway...

NEW NATIONALITY!!!! OMG, i can't believe i am now OFFICALLY a swede.

*groans* no more chinese pride.

okay, anyway, we got papers today "BEVIS" that we are swedish citizens. Yay for me. No more visas going to places, and money for england and new passport.

Wonderful way to start a Chinese New Year isn't it. By becoming swedish. Such irony.

Also stupid AMS sent back my Disneyland application because I was Chinese, they said i needed to be swedish. Well TODAY i am. Annoying people.

I'm swede, I'm swede, I'm swede...................................

My sister is driving me nuts

2005-01-29T20:32:00.000+01:00

My sister is driving me nuts. It doesn't work anymore with "otherwise i won't play with you" or "or else you won't get any new ___ (enter lots of things)" and "I'm gonna move out!!" She is so annoying today, she won't listen to a single person. Tired tired. I can't wait till September. Or at least till we get a cat...

The picture of the day is ME! Duh. And doesn't it remind you of "Life Aquatic"? I feel like I should be in that movie. The colors and so on, and Bill Murray could be just standing behind me. Ah, yes... The picture looks even funnier bigger. I'm so cute in it.

I still can't wait till i Move out. It sounds so heartless and mean, and perhaps I don't mean it. Maybe I'll come running home to mommy after two weeks in England. But I CAN'T WAIT. I can't wait to... be free with my own room without a toilet, and waking up going to showers with other people pubic hair still lying around. I can't wait to cook non-chinese meals (for the first week NO RICE!!), i can't wait to hook up with many many people and hanging around with my new-soon-to-be friends whenever i want! I can't wait to go out every other night and party my head off in the student union. I can't wait until i join like millions of club, so i have no time to study. But when i do study, I'll be stuying in Peace and Quiet. I just can't wait to be around so many new people, my age, with new dreams, new ambitions... and be with them 24/7. I can't wait for campus life!! Tick tock tick tock...

Metamorphosing

2005-01-19T21:58:00.000+01:00

Since Daily Life commenced three days ago, I have felt that thing's are so strange. Weird and strange. In all the conversations I lead with people I keep on loosing my real point, and getting to the fact that my god! life is so strange. Which has lead me to have nothing else to say, because I keep rambling "oh isn't everything so weird?" or perhaps I don't even utter a sound, maybe I think it in my head, and just imagine the other person hearing it. Who knows.

It's just so many big events are happening to people around me and to me. Like Julian finally getting a job! That's such a big thing, when he didn't have a job. But then, suddenly the second he got one, it was like blown away. Now it's like... okay... he has a job. The same thing with me getting my university offers. Before I was neurotic, I was insane of worry, and i imagined these big changes that would occur. But now I've gotten the offers, and you forget the old thoughs, now you think... ah, this is what should have happened. What if I didn't get any offers? How would I be feeling now? Also, like Linda being kicked out of home. And Emelie getting a apartment (I still can't believe it, even though everyone has accepted it)!

These big changes. Once they have occured, nobody talks about them anymore. It ends up being me thinking about them (all the time, it seems) and then not really knowing what to say. It's like they have become reality. They have become the fact. There's nothing more to discuss. But i can't let it go it seems... I still want to scream: "Oh my god, i got an offer!!!!!" "YAY YAY YAY!! You got a job!!" and "AAAAAAAAAH, i can't believe you got a apartment!!!". But if i continue doing that people just think I'm mad. Also, all my future conversations from now on can't be about them can it? Because it's like oh you got a job, so what?

Grr. I still can't believe it. I think I need someone to slap me hard. Hit me into the new reality. Anyway, other than this watched O.C. today! Haha, very first time. It was amazing, like all the characters were so.. beautiful. No, but seriously, I actually liked it. It's one of those series I could get obssessed by. It's funny though, the main characters are all friends, have dated each other. But the high school life there is entirely different from our lives. Firstly, those relationships should not be called relationships. Secondly, gah... i don't know. I was gonna write that in tv-series they never say what they are thinking until it's almost too late... but then I guess that's the way many times in reality too.

Living in waiting

2005-01-07T02:29:00.000+01:00

My whole body is aching. Went and played squash with Em yesterday, and that was my first body movement since like PE class last year. Only 30 minutes and my legs were already soft from all the bending to catch (or miss) the ball. Then today had to accompany my little sister to ice-skating. Was forced to use my achy-legs again. Additionally, we had to walk to the ice-skating place, which was very very very far.

Had a few important things I was suppose to do today, like my Chinese Book Review. I have not done it, simply because I can't concentrate. In my mind I'm already leaving for Hurghada (Egypt), and I just can't do anything constructive! I won't have time to do it when I get back I tell myself... I'm screwed. Now I will be worrying about it my whole trip.

Really, I can't even write a blog entry. I'm thinking: "I'm leaving, I'm leaving, I'm leaving......."

Oh, today's photo is FOAM café/bar which me and Em went to after Squashing. I liked it.

first entry

2005-01-04T05:26:00.000+01:00

My first entry. Perhaps I have said farewell to my old diary (http://www.tabulas.com/~porcelaindoll), there is nothing that keeps me there anymore. Only a bunch of noga yanga wan- writing people. I don't understand a shit. It was quite a long time though, anyway.

I planned to go the library today, finally start to research for my Pop Art project. When I got to Kungliga Biblioteket, I had to take off my jacket and bag to put it away. Took out my notepad, and got all excited over being studious. Went into the vast beautiful library, felt immensely small. Didn't have a clue where to start. Tumbled to the Information Desk. Asked for the books.
She said: They are in the cellar, we have to bring them out, probably tomorrow noon you can get them. Can I have your library card? I said: This is my first time here, I don't have a library card. She said: You can register one. You have to be eighteen.I said: I'm not eighteen. (DAMN IT!) She said: I can't help you.

This whole eighteen thing is KILLING me. In SIX little puny months I will be eighteen, and I'll shove that fact up your little arses. But till then, all my friends are eighteen... and even my TEACHER thinks I am. Apparently, since he's the one who recommended us to go to the LIBRARY. So. I was in the library less than five minutes. Walked out, had to take out my jacket and bag, and then... What the heck am I to do?

Strolled around for a while. Decided to go to the Modern Museum. Except realized was Monday, all museums are closed on Mondays. Fuck. Fast check of brain. Go to book shop, yes. The big one. Sat in book shop for two hours, in their café, reading books. Was cozy, and actually managed to take some notes.