Let's play with reality

re:

2006-04-19T21:42:00.000+02:00

http://re-janie.blogspot.com

Now. This time it will be IT.

long awaited post

2006-03-03T20:05:00.000+01:00

Apologies for not updating! Busy-ness ah. Julian's visit went very well, we saw "The New World" (I actually liked it, even it was extremely long), took him to the union, but well.. yeah, it I guess we weren't really in the mood for it. London was SO FUN. Missed you Jen, and Em.. and korean bbq was amazing. So was Madame Jojo's actually (which was unexpected surprise), it was an indie club and we danced and danced =) All of us four together again is yay.

Today went swimming. Working tonight, and tomorrow night. Bar work is great, since all the people are very kind. Stressful but makes time pass faster... Been very peaceful since last afternoon, maybe because it snowed. I felt all relaxed in a funny way. Such a nice feeling. I need to concentrate one last energy on my essay about "what best explains people's willingness to work hard" and some french work. Then, it's HOLIDAYS!!! Can't wait.

Last night had great dinner at Anme's, chinese cooking is getting better n better. Jon's Bday on wednesday, we tried CENTURION (like one shot of beer/minute) and you might think it's not that much... but gets you drunk fast. Although I didn't do it for very long, and went home quite early as had early french presentation next day.

Have to update more regularly... Any other exciting gossip? Oh yeah, that Wilson dude had a crush on me (Will found his blog)... Apparently he had bought me Valentine's gift, aww.. and then saw me and Chung and was very heartbroken. Poor guy.

Off to eat SCAN's meatballs (!)... miss it so much. Found it in TESCO =)

a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for

2006-02-09T04:26:00.000+01:00

This is BUSY week.

Monday, Kenny's 20th birthday. Huge hotpot buffet dinner in Birmingham (we drove there, yay) and then back to room for drinks before TopB. Went to TopB, came back and drank more. I didn't so much, but everyone else did. In the end, we had 3 people who puked. One who pissed himself, one who showed his balls... and I don't know what. It was really a crazy night, and me, Bill and Chung was sober to take care of people. Gone to bed like 6am.

Tuesday, Job interview (which i got, yay!!) and then out to Leamington Spa for a night out with the Bar Staff (tagged along Adrian). Started off a bit slow at a really dodgy looking bar that smelled of chlorine... but then it got better. We went to Moo Bar to get a queue-jump for Sugar (this club). This is very popular thing on tuesdays, but I have never been. Both the places turned out to be great!! Sugar was amazing, vodka redbulls for 1 pound = keeps you up all night. We danced till they closed at 3am, came back, and like ended up sleeing 5am.

Today, signed contract and paid like £200 for our HOUSE, also had a nice coffee at Starbucks while i was at it. Went to Birmingham with Takeshi, for a JENNY LEWIS concert in Glee Club, it was suuuuch a nice place. Like sitting down, all sophisticated and mature style à la Lydmar a bit and just drinking wine and listening to her... acoustic harmonic voice. It was very wonderful. Came back and was starving, went to chicken wrap which was the last one they made (the guy stuffed so much chicken the wrap did not work to wrap), big mess. Now its 3.30am, i think i need to go to bed.

So it's reading week. I really need to do some reading now.

such a étudiant

2006-02-01T00:19:00.000+01:00

I found my glasses! Just felt like I should go check the reception again today to ask for my glasses, and this time they were there (they were not a week ago). So yay, I can see again.

Had lots of lectures today. So much stuff to study now... I've been in my room the past 2 nights studying in the evenings, which feels VERY strange. Feel's like it's been forever. Like I've done nothing except studying, which i guess is not very true. I just have no time to do anything like just hanging out with friends, because I feel guilty not reading my books and catching up. Sorry for the boring entry..................

I go to lectures and talk to a few people between breaks, then I come home and talk a little to my kitchen (not much though), and then I talk to a lot of people on MSN. That's very sad. I will call people and meet up, have lunch and dinner and stuff... But just can't be BOTHERED.

We reserved a house yesterday though! Finally! It will be me, Kosa, Jon, Veronica and Kat living together. I'm happy Kat joined us (you know, the nice girl you met)... so i can ignore Veronica hahaha... Um the house in Leamington Spa, a pretty town. It's in the "posh" area very close to the main Parade. So it's not in the dodgy South where most of the students live. Our house is white, three floors, and quite nice. All the rooms are big, and the living room very cosy. It will be great when you guys visit me next year! =)

Gah, can't write blog anymore. My writing ability has gone SHIT. So has my thinking ability... I need to read more, and feel a bit more artisitic-ish again.

I feel standardised. Rationalised. Filled with a load of Business Student Crap. Bleh.

Crazy New Year

2006-01-30T02:06:00.000+01:00

I'm going to keep this short because I need to get to bed. Last night was crazy, in a bad way. We had a very nice chinese new year dinner and afterwards was going to drink a little and chat in Natalie's room. That was all fine, till I started drinking Tequila. I don't know what happened. At one point I stopped being me, I became Crazy Girl who tried to Down everything in her reach. Thank goodness everyone hid the bottles from me. And they put me to bed.

But then. No one knows what happened. Somehow in my room I managed to hit my mouth on something, so now my lip is swollen and purple, and one tooth is like banged inwards. Don't worry, I managed to push it back into place this morning. Painful, but it's ok. And I have no idea of this happening... All I remember is waking up this morning thinking how did I get to my bed. And then feeling dried blood on my face.

So lots of ÅNGEST (to continue on Clara's entry). I'm happy nothing worse happened, but it's very very very very scary how you can just ZONE OUT and not be present. Has never happened before and will never happen again. People throw up, I don't apparently... And never drink tequila again. It fucks you up!

(Please don't worry about me after reading this entry. I will be OK. I'm just a bit in shock as well...)

belle and sebastian

2006-01-27T01:23:00.000+01:00

Yaaaaaaay. I love concerts. I love BELLE AND SEBASTIAN!!!!!!!!

They are the best. Just like the sound on cd, except they were much better live! I never thought that that kind of music could be good at concerts, but it was amazing. Like you could dance and just feel the beauty of it sooooo much. The slow songs worked as well... I didn't want it to end!! Actually they left the stage, and came back. When they left I was so sad cause they didn't play "Sleep the Clock Around" which was my favorite. But then they came back and played one more song... and the LAST SONG was... exactly. My favorite. And I have so happy. So happy. So happy. It was the best ending EVER.

They just have so many songs... definetly worth to go to their concert again! Also, it was wonderful to get off campus. I like cities. I like feeling better and no longer sick. Everything is much better today =)

"Fox in the Snow" (another great song)
... ...Kid in the snow, way to go
It only happens once a year
It only happens once a lifetime
Make the most of it
Second just to being born
Second to dying to
What else would you do?... ...

just when i was getting better...

2006-01-25T14:55:00.000+01:00

Today was my free day, woke up and felt better and was like yay I'm going to sort out my life, catch up with all the work I missed, do lots of things... then started feeling stomach ache. Ran to bathroom, and had like diarrhea. Walked back to room, and suddenly felt very faint, and everything went black. Had to find my way through blackness to collapse on my bed, in between I hit my head on my closet. I slept...

Woke up again. This time was very hungry, so I walked to kitchen. By the time I got there I was so tired and nauseous had to sit down. Didn't manage to get any food, just some tea... stumbled back to my room. Was very confounded at this new sickness. So I read my antibiotics instructions and saw: SIDEFFFECTS--diarrhea, nausea, vomiting. Oh dear. So, the whole point of taking medecine was to make me feel better, instead has now reversed and I feel worse. I managed to call the health centre and have an appointment with my doc again this afternoon. But the point is.

I can't handle this mentally anymore. If I don't get better soon I will be like totally broken down and have like no will to live anymore. Honestly, it's EXHAUSTING. It takes like fight power to go "yeah, today i'm gonna!" and I've been trying and trying... I JUST WANT TO GET WELL!!!!! Feels like I haven't been talking about anything except my sickness for the past weeks. My term is only 10 weeks, and there's that much work to be done in that time, and I've been sick for 2. So it's like. What's the point???

And p.s. I think I lost my glasses. ................>_<.................

sickness

2006-01-22T20:19:00.000+01:00

Can't believe this. Wrote this loong entry about my sickness and it just gone. -_-

Anyway, I'm SICK SICK SICK. And I'm sick of being sick, I'm homesick, I just want mommy and daddys food and lie on couch watching tv. I'm sick of uni, sick of my room, sick of studying.

This week been busy busy. ONE WORLD WEEK, huge international event over the week, like arts, forum talks, shows, dances everything. Parties every night with different continent themes. I only went to monday and tuesday though, before I got really sick. Wednesday modelled for OWW Fashion show, as a part of Baobab (africans) and Saturday danced for the One World Party for the africans. In between I had a 24hr sleeping day with fever.

Been feeling generally down and like I-can't-move-2-metres-to-the-toilet-without-dying-of-weakness. Still managed to drag myself up on stage and perform, which is quite impressing. Although I probably had a high price to pay. We'll see how long my voice will be gone.............

Sickness makes you question the whole point of being single. Pourquoi?? I need guy to take care of me. This loneliness ain't pretty no more - El Perro del Mar

adieu 2005

2005-12-31T13:37:00.000+01:00

As tradition holds. Last day of year should be seeing me reading my past diary entries and remembering, categorizing, sorting out memories and put labels and stuff them into shoeboxes of my right lobe de brain. It has taken me quite a long time to do so, as there is many diary entries = Eventful Year. Possibly the most eventful year of my life so far, but with hope life getting more eventful next year (possible?).

Events of 2005:
- Going to Hurghada, Egypt with family + julian. (tick off: riding camels, seeing Luxor, snorkelling, jeep safari out in desert.)
- Month later going to Zambia, which can be summarized as "trip that changed my life." (tick off: seeing live rhinos 3 meters away (!), being showered by Victoria Falls, visiting chief of rural african village, eating nshima, shaking booty on stage of african high school, shitting outside, washing hair with only a 50cl bottle..., oh and holding speech in front of 1000 students!)
- Graduating from high school (tick off: lots of partying, lots of presents, partying on truck cruising stockholm, and also receiving stipendium for good achievement yay)
-Becoming 18.
- Summer, going ONE month to China with bf + em& jen, where i discovered my love for hostelling, and alternative tourism. (tick off: climbing Huang Shan, hiking 10km of broken Great Wall, introducing bf with huge chinese family, being translator 24/7, partying in China with friends.)
- Return few days to Stockholm then off to Norway, driving with my family. (tick off: seeing beautiful fjords, love for norwegian nature, Ålesund's "cutting" Atlantic town, sleeping in many stugor)
- Starting UNIVERSITY! of Warwick, England. (tick off: living by myself, student-life, making own food, sitting in lecture halls, too many drunk nights to count, playing tennis, absinthe, randomness, breaking up with bf once, breaking up with bf twice, cheating... making out with a girl during truth or dare, tick off: CHANGES)
- Going to Brussels, Antwerp, Bruges, Belgium and Amsterdam, Holland with Misato. (tick off: travelling with a "soulmate", stolen wallet, sharing dorm with 16 other girl, sharing room with 2 italian guys, belgian waffles and frites, wonderful bars and cafes, living in christian hostel, which felt like home, spending time with strangers, and style style style!)

Creativess of 2005:
Panamarenko, Suburban Kids with Biblical Names, Elias, MoMu Museum of Fashion (Antwerp), Van Gogh, The Subways, Mr.Scruff, Club Killers (Debaser) etc?

Songs of 2005:
let's just fall in love - marit bergman
only this moment - röyksopp
do you realize?? all we have is now - the flaming lips
sleep the clock around - belle & sebastian
sleeping in - the postal service
something about us - daft punk

Thoughtful thoughts of 2005:
"When you love someone else how do you prove that the love before really existed. If [insert name of choice] decides he doesn't know me, then has everything vanished?"

"The clouds are too low. The cover the mountains. The edges are smudged. There's no clear line of contrast between land and sky."

"Growing up is really the most absurd thing. It's slowly creeping poison. The process is unrecognizable and so natural. Yet, I can't seem to get how SURREAL and weird it is."

"Will my parents ever get to know the parents of my future friends? Parents were out of the picture before but now they can actually become friends with my friends. Just like me becoming friends with my teachers."

"There's so many depressing things in Sweden I can't wait to leave. New "inslag" will be highly appreciated."

"Was good because I started on myself before hand. Easy to come. Easy to go."

"I've always had a fascination for beds. People could be on the bed all their life. Travel on them (like those beds that fly), with bedknobs."

"My mind is so confused. There's so much things I wnt to feel but each is more deceptive than the other. My need for illusions. I thought I like [insert name of choice]. But I don't. I just wanted closeness and somebody who understood me, I wanted to click. I don't feel anything for him. I want [insert name of choice]. I feel so bad... such claustrophobic guiltness. There's no way to turn back time. The only reason I let it happen is because I take things too lightly. I thought I felt something but what was I thinking??? How did things develop this way?"

"My life is crazy. Absurd. Fucking shit. I'm drunk."

"I'm becoming rational. I want to use my head now. Can't let my feelings decide for what it wants now. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I just need to learn how to keep those feelings and thoughts to myself. I won't be happy if I didn't feel, but just going for "what do you feel like now" doesn't work either."

"I need too much. Every time I'm in a moment. Happy or sad or lonely I want somebody else feeling it. I want to share everything emotion I have."

"Weird things always happen in my life. Like fate, or accidents. I seem to have constant drama whether I like it or not. I never look for it. Or do I?"

"I just want to be left alone. No one judging me, and no one I judge either. I want flexibility. In people around. The fact that life is short and certain things are no big deal really. Blowing up everything is childish, but irresponsibility is also childish. So what am I? ... Why do people believe I'm in a certain way. What am I capable of? I'm a free emotional creature, and I want to stay that way. How?"

So. 2005. Where BIG changes took place, both in me and around me. Mostly realized that I change, and that the change is constant. Me = CHANGE. so What is me? Change. Man, I even get confused at that.

Lastly...
"My life experience has enrichened me, I'm half cynical yet optimistic. I'm so much things all at once. I sometimes see my future as a old lady would see her past. Some mistakes, some happiness... I can foretell them before they take place, yet I will not do anything to stop it. Every moment I'm living has already turned into a memory, they pass too fast, and I know all this in my head. I know me sitting writing about them later when I'm feeling it then. Life is too short and moments pass too fast..."

highschool stalker

2005-12-29T14:12:00.000+01:00

Laughing, laughing, oh i'm so happy.

I was being bored and downloaded lots of music, one of which is Hello Saferide, this swedish girl (bästa nykomling this year? i think so.) ... and then I put it own playlist, started writing my essay. In the middle of a sentence I started catching word from this song:

"I've been looking for you, baby
Anywhere that I can find
And I was searching for your sweet name
Cause you never left my mind
I've been on the Altavista
I went twice on the Yahoo
And everywhere I go, there is always a clue,
always something about you that may help me get my hands on you
...
And yesterday, you passed me by
I swear, you nearly said Hi
I could have died
I swear to God I started crying"

Was so surprised! It was the last song on the album, called "Highschool Stalker". Oh man, don't you remember the good ol' times? Speaking of which...

strangle economics

2005-12-27T23:17:00.000+01:00

gah, first essay since i graduated high schoool.

i don't know how to do it anymore.. have i lost the fire? maybe i never had it.

i want to fucking kill it, i get into such a emotional relationship with my work. they are on good terms with me sometimes, and other times it just doesn't click and i want it to DIEEEE.

man i have to work on the relationship, think things through, communicate...

everything's the same isn't it?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

hopeless.

for new year

2005-12-24T15:13:00.000+01:00

oh oh oh.

can we please go here?? :

http://www.indierave.se/index.php

Erlend from Kings of Convenience will be DJ-ing, and it's at Street and it's gonna be indie...

it's like a perfect dream come true, who's joining me?

one night of magic rush

2005-12-24T12:29:00.000+01:00

Old girlfriends are the best! I love you guys! <3
Muah, muah, muah, muah... Sending xmas kisses and hugs to all of you! (And old boyfriends as well... for that matter.)

Last night was amazingly fun, I missed dancing with you guys! Jen and me, the chinese go-go dancer, c'mon we're only one in a million. Also, me being very kändiskåt was so ecstatic when I talked to Johan in Suburban Kids with Biblical Names (who was dj-ing at Bonden). We talked about us studying in England, and he said they were just there three weeks ago for a few gigs, and soon their new EP's coming out in feb. What a shy guy though. Anyway, I got my photo taken with him, so I'm satisfied. :)

Today is Christmas Eve. I don't really feel it coming... just want food, food, and lots of food!

"Heartbeats" - José Gonzáles

blablabla

2005-12-19T17:38:00.000+01:00

Oh no. Just found out Lucy is quitting Warwick.

My only real girlfriend is leaving me... -_-

She really was struggling with the French course, wasn't what she thought it would be, and now she's applying for next year Sociology. She'll be back next autum.. but. Or, wait. That might be okay, because Misato will be here this whooole year, and then by next year Lucy's back! *solved* yay.

But I really need to find new girl friends! Who am I going to live with next year?? I cannot just have guy friends... -_-

Home is home is nice. I always get a sleepy moment around 4pm though, and now I should be off making dinner for Mimmi. Routines are nice for a change.

these constant changes...

2005-12-06T10:13:00.000+01:00

Yesterday night my head ached because I didn't get to settle down again. I wrote this long diary entry about how I probably never will settle down again until I reach retirement age or something. I've kicked the wheel into spinning and it's spinning sooo fast, too fast. I need to jump along and catch the ride. No complaints.

Cut my hair yesterday, freaky bang, way too short. I guess time will heal it... bah, now i have to take loads of travel pictures with the ugly thing.

Today will be leaving home again, oh the pain. Packing has never been as annoying. I'm going to try to enjoy the trip even if I've left a major screw-up behind (sorry sorry sorry, I hope the email helped) and not sorted things out. There will be a little raining cloud everywhere I go, if I knew there was something that was wrong. But I've gotten better at ignoring the rain.

So: http://blogs.bootsnall.com/janie/

That's where you'll find me ^^

oh, the pretty city lights

2005-12-04T00:06:00.000+01:00

homesick, cause i no longer no where home is.

So. so, so, so, so... Moi back. Moi back in home, in my sister's room, because she has a friend that's sleeping over in my bed. My first night will be enjoyed together with all her soft teddys and quietness. Saturday night on campus, people walking past doors, noise everyone. Someone opening your door in the middle of the night. Nope. None of that.

Relief?

Intense heart ache?

I thought I handled the moving back better than I would. The trip went very well. Woke up 7.30, Jon and Lucy helped me carry bags to taxi place. Took a cab with a girl I bumped into there. Hoped onto coach, slept all the way to Stansted. Checked in, had to pay £44 for over-weight which was not as impressive, and went to do some shopping. Heard speaker saying "Last boarding call for Stockholm", ran all the way to gate, was one of the last... When on plan, fell asleep again, and all the way to Stockholm. Busride back to Centralen was quite nice, smelt of Sweden, saw little red houses with adventljus, wrote a little in my diary. Summarizing some thoughts, trying to grasp the last 10 weeks and conclude. Dad picked me up, took a wrong turn and ended up driving through town. NK with julfönster, Kungsan, Strandvägen with boat restaruants, cute café by Östermalm, lights, lights, smoke, everywhere. Such a pretty city I live in. I felt happy.

I'm well tired now. I can sleep in, for once. There's a whole bunch of swirly feelings and thoughts around, but I think will put them to rest for a while. Subtle missing is fine, but I'm going to enjoy my christmas holiday (can you believe it! so soon!) here in Stockholm as much as I ever can. Right now, reality is here, and there will be no dreaming of somewhere else.

stay out of trouble, stay in touch... try not to think about me too much.

p.s. yes, i will never ever get sick of kings of convenience. d.s.

Can't you read between the lines?

2005-11-29T23:38:00.000+01:00

Past days been strange. I'm trapped in two spheres that just will not puzzle together in my head. Home in university and home in Sweden are two distinct focal points that just doesn't seem to clash. I can't imagine one without the other becoming an illusion. It's two realities that just can't exist together in my head right now.

Just like everything that belongs with home in Sweden. They seem so blurry, so vague when I'm here in Warwick. I have not turned my back, just temporarily forgotten maybe. I feel sorry to do that, but I can't help it, because I'm currently living in a reality that is here. The same thing will happen when I return home, because then Warwick will become a dream, and everything associated with it an illusion.

I'm finding it hard to know what's true and what's real. Sometimes I dream and it seems so real, and sometimes I'm trapped in thoughts and memories that was real once but not anymore. I live in this reality that I know tomorrow will be a memory and maybe a dream. There's so many different realities my head's just spinning, spinning, spinning...

I just wish, I just wish I could see the whole picture. To put this 1000+ puzzle together. But that will take time...

To bed

2005-11-21T21:22:00.000+01:00

Too little sleep.
Nose blotched, yes blotched.
Stupid period pains.

Bed at 8PM.

Yay.

['cause when i'm with you, it seem's so easy, it seem's so easy]

2005-11-17T18:37:00.000+01:00

Tonight I have an AFRICAN DINNER (free and with dance and everything!) with my wonderful african society.

I got a email from them today as well, look at that:

* For our next social(week 9) we're looking for any Zambians at Warwick who wouldn'tmind talking about their country. Sure African life does share some common themesthroughout the continent, but what is the one thing unique to Zambia? If you are Zambian or have been to Zambia and wouldn't mind participating in this event,drop usan email at su230@sunion.warwick.ac.uk with your contact details i.e. name and emailaddress.

That's me they are talking of there. Haha, yes, we had a discussion last time about having discussions about Africa. So fun. I will be able to dress in my Zambia t-shirt and talk about rhinos and stuff.

Also going to THE SUBWAYS concert tonight!!! Really really looking forward to it now, because they are actually not quite bad... if you decide to listen to them, listen to: "I want to hear what you have to say", "When I'm with you" and "No goodbyes".

Oh, and the biggest news! I just decided yesterday I'm going to Brussels-Antwerp-Amsterdam this december. I have to explain some things first.

There's a girl called Misato. She's 20. She's japanese, exchange student here in Warwick studying English Lit (but during her time here she's doing History of Art and French). She likes Blythe, she listens to music no ones ever heard about, she dresses really cool. She wants to work for magazine, but feel's fashion is too consumerism/superficial/materialistic etc, she wants to combine social and political values... She decided to go travelling this winter because she wanted to see Europe, and nobody wanted to go to the same place as her so she was going to go by herself.

... Until I went: "I'll go with you."

We are so similiar it's scary. I have never in my life met the reflection of me in another person, both thoughts, ideas and a little of the looks part. The approach we have to things is exactly the same, when i found out the trip I was looking for hostels and they were the exact hostel she wanted to stay in (even though she looked for them by herself). We will want to go to the same cafes, same alternative music stores, same art galleries... it will be eerily similiar.

Anyway, so 7-15 December I'm off on a little trip again. I just can't sit still!

Who paved Paradise and put up a parking lot?

2005-11-12T22:30:00.000+01:00

It's been a week soon.
I've been single and alone for one whole week soon.

My throat hurts.
I'm getting sick.

I'm taking it easy.
I have candle lights and christmas lights in my room.

I'm reading Salman Rushdie's "Fury".
It's been the longest week in my life.

Perspectives

2005-11-08T23:59:00.000+01:00

It's funny how things can be seen so differently depending on how you look at it.

I was at the Baobab African Society Social today, and was talking to the president who funnily enough is from Gabrone, lived in France, studied a year in Gothenburg and fourth year. He could talk some swedish with me, and I'm the only non-african in the African group. We talked about France, the society, the racism, the anti-semtism in second world war, the secularism all buried below the facade that one day will break.

He was black and he was paranoid at how whites always perceived him. Many things to him is about the skin color, that's how he analyse the social problems.

I talked to dad. Wise dad, with experience and time on his shoulders. His perspective on me was something I didn't think about. He could actually guide me back on a good path again, even at the age of 18. I'm still a kid.

When I look at myself and the issues at hand I see different perspectives. Different people always say different things. I just need to pick out the best alternatives. The optimal solution.

And I think I got the right perspective on things now. Hopefully one day I will think individually, I'll become a real individual women I'm proud of. For now just let all those changes slow take place.

"But everything looks perfect from far away, come down now, no, we'll stay."
Postal Service - Such Great Heights

The World's End

2005-11-01T23:44:00.000+01:00

In London. In a place called Camden. Right opposite of the tube station. There is the World's End. And I think I just found it, the perfect pub. A pretty little gem. My secret. It looks like a little local pub from the outside, but once you enter it's like a whole world. So many rooms, little random furnitures. Feels like living room, feels like rustic, feels like indie. The music was awesome, it was songs I knew.

Royal Holloway is beautiful. It's a fairytale, cannot imagining studying there. It would be too unrealistic, but then for Emelie maybe it's good. Let her stay in that little cloud a little longer... Because here in Warwick we do real business. Haha.

I had a good day today. Woke up at 10AM, made myself some breakfast. Did some reading, mainly Accounting & Finance. Later in the afternoon I went and played tennis for the first time in my life with Daniel, a vietnamese guy who lived in Germany and studying Management. He was a beginner as well so we had fun just trying to hit the ball all over the place. My kitchen was watching from the kitchen and apparently I was very funny. Hm. I was proud of myself though, I swung my arms very intensely. They are aching now. I feel I have done something good.

I'm getting a tennis racket, so I can play any time I want. It's only outside our kitchen anyway.

Tonight I saw "Solas" a spanish movie. It was free, it was dvd. Except it was shown in a small lecture room. It was seen my <10 people. Made me a little warmer.

So if you're still wondering where the end of the world is? It's not in Australia, or Alaska. It's in Camden, London. And it's wonderful.

Happily ever after

2005-10-24T00:22:00.000+02:00

Je suis fous.
Je ne comprend pas que j'ai fait.

I'm together again. In one piece.
Couldn't be otherwise could it?

I've known it in my heart all along...
But being sure.

It takes time.
It'll still take time.

We'll take it from here.
...We'll see what will happen there along the way.

Happy anniversary! 2 years and 3 months <3

Songs...

2005-10-23T14:59:00.000+02:00

"Too young" - Phoenix
Baby when I saw you turning at the end of the street
I knew a time was gone and it took me like ages
Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy
I tried my best to smile but deep inside my heart
I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is

Can't you hear me calling oh yeah
Everybody's dancing oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young

I can't lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong
But when this feeling calls this world becomes another
Nighttime won't hold me in your arms again
I got a very good friend who says he can't believe the love I give
Is not enough to end your fears
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is

Can't you hear me calling oh yeah
Everybody's dancing oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young

Oh rainfalls and hard times coming they won't leave me tonight
I wish I knew what I was doing
Just do let this spirit survive

-----------------------------------------

"Fix you" - Coldplay
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

----------------------------------------------------

"White Flag"- Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble I
understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Life's little games

2005-10-22T22:24:00.000+02:00

I haven't updated in a while.
I guess it's because I feel I need to write about emotions, and my emotions have been a hell right now. I don't feel I can write about it on this blog. It's too vulnerable.

I turned my back to 'the one'. My prince, I left him.
Why, you may ask?
It's life.
Somehow somebody else crossed my way.
He could have crossed anybody else's way.
There's so many single people here, and out there.
But, why me?
It came in the perfect-worse-moment.
I'm sensitive, I'm lonely, I'm missing closeness...
I'm in a stage I haven't been in 2 years.
It knocked me out of my l'habitude. My steelframe. My ambition to do so well.
How come I lost myself?
And in loosing myself I lost JB.
I have to find my way back, or stray further away.

But in my confusion, I'm torturing him.
I had to let it go...
Cut all the strings that attached him to me.

I need time. I need to find answers. I need to feel something.
It's life playing a game with me, and I need to win over it.
Somehow.

I just want to do battle it in least harmful way.