adieu 2005

As tradition holds. Last day of year should be seeing me reading my past diary entries and remembering, categorizing, sorting out memories and put labels and stuff them into shoeboxes of my right lobe de brain. It has taken me quite a long time to do so, as there is many diary entries = Eventful Year. Possibly the most eventful year of my life so far, but with hope life getting more eventful next year (possible?).

Events of 2005:
- Going to Hurghada, Egypt with family + julian. (tick off: riding camels, seeing Luxor, snorkelling, jeep safari out in desert.)
- Month later going to Zambia, which can be summarized as "trip that changed my life." (tick off: seeing live rhinos 3 meters away (!), being showered by Victoria Falls, visiting chief of rural african village, eating nshima, shaking booty on stage of african high school, shitting outside, washing hair with only a 50cl bottle..., oh and holding speech in front of 1000 students!)
- Graduating from high school (tick off: lots of partying, lots of presents, partying on truck cruising stockholm, and also receiving stipendium for good achievement yay)
-Becoming 18.
- Summer, going ONE month to China with bf + em& jen, where i discovered my love for hostelling, and alternative tourism. (tick off: climbing Huang Shan, hiking 10km of broken Great Wall, introducing bf with huge chinese family, being translator 24/7, partying in China with friends.)
- Return few days to Stockholm then off to Norway, driving with my family. (tick off: seeing beautiful fjords, love for norwegian nature, Ålesund's "cutting" Atlantic town, sleeping in many stugor)
- Starting UNIVERSITY! of Warwick, England. (tick off: living by myself, student-life, making own food, sitting in lecture halls, too many drunk nights to count, playing tennis, absinthe, randomness, breaking up with bf once, breaking up with bf twice, cheating... making out with a girl during truth or dare, tick off: CHANGES)
- Going to Brussels, Antwerp, Bruges, Belgium and Amsterdam, Holland with Misato. (tick off: travelling with a "soulmate", stolen wallet, sharing dorm with 16 other girl, sharing room with 2 italian guys, belgian waffles and frites, wonderful bars and cafes, living in christian hostel, which felt like home, spending time with strangers, and style style style!)

Creativess of 2005:
Panamarenko, Suburban Kids with Biblical Names, Elias, MoMu Museum of Fashion (Antwerp), Van Gogh, The Subways, Mr.Scruff, Club Killers (Debaser) etc?

Songs of 2005:
let's just fall in love - marit bergman
only this moment - röyksopp
do you realize?? all we have is now - the flaming lips
sleep the clock around - belle & sebastian
sleeping in - the postal service
something about us - daft punk

Thoughtful thoughts of 2005:
"When you love someone else how do you prove that the love before really existed. If [insert name of choice] decides he doesn't know me, then has everything vanished?"

"The clouds are too low. The cover the mountains. The edges are smudged. There's no clear line of contrast between land and sky."

"Growing up is really the most absurd thing. It's slowly creeping poison. The process is unrecognizable and so natural. Yet, I can't seem to get how SURREAL and weird it is."

"Will my parents ever get to know the parents of my future friends? Parents were out of the picture before but now they can actually become friends with my friends. Just like me becoming friends with my teachers."

"There's so many depressing things in Sweden I can't wait to leave. New "inslag" will be highly appreciated."

"Was good because I started on myself before hand. Easy to come. Easy to go."

"I've always had a fascination for beds. People could be on the bed all their life. Travel on them (like those beds that fly), with bedknobs."

"My mind is so confused. There's so much things I wnt to feel but each is more deceptive than the other. My need for illusions. I thought I like [insert name of choice]. But I don't. I just wanted closeness and somebody who understood me, I wanted to click. I don't feel anything for him. I want [insert name of choice]. I feel so bad... such claustrophobic guiltness. There's no way to turn back time. The only reason I let it happen is because I take things too lightly. I thought I felt something but what was I thinking??? How did things develop this way?"

"My life is crazy. Absurd. Fucking shit. I'm drunk."

"I'm becoming rational. I want to use my head now. Can't let my feelings decide for what it wants now. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I just need to learn how to keep those feelings and thoughts to myself. I won't be happy if I didn't feel, but just going for "what do you feel like now" doesn't work either."

"I need too much. Every time I'm in a moment. Happy or sad or lonely I want somebody else feeling it. I want to share everything emotion I have."

"Weird things always happen in my life. Like fate, or accidents. I seem to have constant drama whether I like it or not. I never look for it. Or do I?"

"I just want to be left alone. No one judging me, and no one I judge either. I want flexibility. In people around. The fact that life is short and certain things are no big deal really. Blowing up everything is childish, but irresponsibility is also childish. So what am I? ... Why do people believe I'm in a certain way. What am I capable of? I'm a free emotional creature, and I want to stay that way. How?"

So. 2005. Where BIG changes took place, both in me and around me. Mostly realized that I change, and that the change is constant. Me = CHANGE. so What is me? Change. Man, I even get confused at that.

Lastly...
"My life experience has enrichened me, I'm half cynical yet optimistic. I'm so much things all at once. I sometimes see my future as a old lady would see her past. Some mistakes, some happiness... I can foretell them before they take place, yet I will not do anything to stop it. Every moment I'm living has already turned into a memory, they pass too fast, and I know all this in my head. I know me sitting writing about them later when I'm feeling it then. Life is too short and moments pass too fast..."

highschool stalker

Laughing, laughing, oh i'm so happy.

I was being bored and downloaded lots of music, one of which is Hello Saferide, this swedish girl (bästa nykomling this year? i think so.) ... and then I put it own playlist, started writing my essay. In the middle of a sentence I started catching word from this song:

"I've been looking for you, baby
Anywhere that I can find
And I was searching for your sweet name
Cause you never left my mind
I've been on the Altavista
I went twice on the Yahoo
And everywhere I go, there is always a clue,
always something about you that may help me get my hands on you
...
And yesterday, you passed me by
I swear, you nearly said Hi
I could have died
I swear to God I started crying"

Was so surprised! It was the last song on the album, called "Highschool Stalker". Oh man, don't you remember the good ol' times? Speaking of which...

strangle economics

gah, first essay since i graduated high schoool.

i don't know how to do it anymore.. have i lost the fire? maybe i never had it.

i want to fucking kill it, i get into such a emotional relationship with my work. they are on good terms with me sometimes, and other times it just doesn't click and i want it to DIEEEE.

man i have to work on the relationship, think things through, communicate...

everything's the same isn't it?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

hopeless.

for new year

oh oh oh.

can we please go here?? :

http://www.indierave.se/index.php

Erlend from Kings of Convenience will be DJ-ing, and it's at Street and it's gonna be indie...

it's like a perfect dream come true, who's joining me?

one night of magic rush

Old girlfriends are the best! I love you guys! <3
Muah, muah, muah, muah... Sending xmas kisses and hugs to all of you! (And old boyfriends as well... for that matter.)

Last night was amazingly fun, I missed dancing with you guys! Jen and me, the chinese go-go dancer, c'mon we're only one in a million. Also, me being very kändiskåt was so ecstatic when I talked to Johan in Suburban Kids with Biblical Names (who was dj-ing at Bonden). We talked about us studying in England, and he said they were just there three weeks ago for a few gigs, and soon their new EP's coming out in feb. What a shy guy though. Anyway, I got my photo taken with him, so I'm satisfied. :)

Today is Christmas Eve. I don't really feel it coming... just want food, food, and lots of food!

"Heartbeats" - José Gonzáles

blablabla

Oh no. Just found out Lucy is quitting Warwick.

My only real girlfriend is leaving me... -_-

She really was struggling with the French course, wasn't what she thought it would be, and now she's applying for next year Sociology. She'll be back next autum.. but. Or, wait. That might be okay, because Misato will be here this whooole year, and then by next year Lucy's back! *solved* yay.

But I really need to find new girl friends! Who am I going to live with next year?? I cannot just have guy friends... -_-

Home is home is nice. I always get a sleepy moment around 4pm though, and now I should be off making dinner for Mimmi. Routines are nice for a change.

these constant changes...

Yesterday night my head ached because I didn't get to settle down again. I wrote this long diary entry about how I probably never will settle down again until I reach retirement age or something. I've kicked the wheel into spinning and it's spinning sooo fast, too fast. I need to jump along and catch the ride. No complaints.

Cut my hair yesterday, freaky bang, way too short. I guess time will heal it... bah, now i have to take loads of travel pictures with the ugly thing.

Today will be leaving home again, oh the pain. Packing has never been as annoying. I'm going to try to enjoy the trip even if I've left a major screw-up behind (sorry sorry sorry, I hope the email helped) and not sorted things out. There will be a little raining cloud everywhere I go, if I knew there was something that was wrong. But I've gotten better at ignoring the rain.

So: http://blogs.bootsnall.com/janie/

That's where you'll find me ^^

oh, the pretty city lights

homesick, cause i no longer no where home is.

So. so, so, so, so... Moi back. Moi back in home, in my sister's room, because she has a friend that's sleeping over in my bed. My first night will be enjoyed together with all her soft teddys and quietness. Saturday night on campus, people walking past doors, noise everyone. Someone opening your door in the middle of the night. Nope. None of that.

Relief?

Intense heart ache?

I thought I handled the moving back better than I would. The trip went very well. Woke up 7.30, Jon and Lucy helped me carry bags to taxi place. Took a cab with a girl I bumped into there. Hoped onto coach, slept all the way to Stansted. Checked in, had to pay £44 for over-weight which was not as impressive, and went to do some shopping. Heard speaker saying "Last boarding call for Stockholm", ran all the way to gate, was one of the last... When on plan, fell asleep again, and all the way to Stockholm. Busride back to Centralen was quite nice, smelt of Sweden, saw little red houses with adventljus, wrote a little in my diary. Summarizing some thoughts, trying to grasp the last 10 weeks and conclude. Dad picked me up, took a wrong turn and ended up driving through town. NK with julfönster, Kungsan, Strandvägen with boat restaruants, cute café by Östermalm, lights, lights, smoke, everywhere. Such a pretty city I live in. I felt happy.

I'm well tired now. I can sleep in, for once. There's a whole bunch of swirly feelings and thoughts around, but I think will put them to rest for a while. Subtle missing is fine, but I'm going to enjoy my christmas holiday (can you believe it! so soon!) here in Stockholm as much as I ever can. Right now, reality is here, and there will be no dreaming of somewhere else.

stay out of trouble, stay in touch... try not to think about me too much.

p.s. yes, i will never ever get sick of kings of convenience. d.s.