Happily ever after

Je suis fous.
Je ne comprend pas que j'ai fait.

I'm together again. In one piece.
Couldn't be otherwise could it?

I've known it in my heart all along...
But being sure.

It takes time.
It'll still take time.

We'll take it from here.
...We'll see what will happen there along the way.

Happy anniversary! 2 years and 3 months <3

Songs...

"Too young" - Phoenix
Baby when I saw you turning at the end of the street
I knew a time was gone and it took me like ages
Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy
I tried my best to smile but deep inside my heart
I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is

Can't you hear me calling oh yeah
Everybody's dancing oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young

I can't lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong
But when this feeling calls this world becomes another
Nighttime won't hold me in your arms again
I got a very good friend who says he can't believe the love I give
Is not enough to end your fears
I guess I couldn't live without the things that made my life what it is

Can't you hear me calling oh yeah
Everybody's dancing oh yeah
Tonight everything is over
I feel too young

Oh rainfalls and hard times coming they won't leave me tonight
I wish I knew what I was doing
Just do let this spirit survive


-----------------------------------------

"Fix you" - Coldplay
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

----------------------------------------------------

"White Flag"- Dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble I
understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

Life's little games

I haven't updated in a while.
I guess it's because I feel I need to write about emotions, and my emotions have been a hell right now. I don't feel I can write about it on this blog. It's too vulnerable.

I turned my back to 'the one'. My prince, I left him.
Why, you may ask?
It's life.
Somehow somebody else crossed my way.
He could have crossed anybody else's way.
There's so many single people here, and out there.
But, why me?
It came in the perfect-worse-moment.
I'm sensitive, I'm lonely, I'm missing closeness...
I'm in a stage I haven't been in 2 years.
It knocked me out of my l'habitude. My steelframe. My ambition to do so well.
How come I lost myself?
And in loosing myself I lost JB.
I have to find my way back, or stray further away.

But in my confusion, I'm torturing him.
I had to let it go...
Cut all the strings that attached him to me.

I need time. I need to find answers. I need to feel something.
It's life playing a game with me, and I need to win over it.
Somehow.

I just want to do battle it in least harmful way.

A need for updates

First things first, my little darling Jellybean has created his OWN pretty-pretty (so stylistic) blog, at: http://blogs.bootsnall.com/jellybean. He's doing well so far, updating more regularly than me!

Other things. I'm really feeling my room is my home, and it is comfortable, and the toilets and showers I don't even think about when I'm using them. This past week I have gone out to the union only once, yes! Once on friday night to celebrate Richard's 20th Bday. He's a british guy in my kitchen who took a gap year and went to South America for 8 month. He's done the Inca trail, taught south american kids... Inspires me to do voluntary work. Anyway, we had lots of fun that night though. Jon and Kosa got so drunk when they came back to my room (we all walked back together), Kosa passed out on the floor and Jon hanged with one arm from my bed. I have pictures but I'm not allowed to upload them. Funny thing is I had just as much to drink... ah, it's wonderful being here. People actually think I can handle alcohol. :p

I've been to the movies twice this week as well. First saw 'The Descent'. It was really one of the worst movies ever made! It started off like a little adventure story, 5 girls climbing down a cave in the ground... then they got further down it was like gollum appeared. But it wasn't gollum, it was scary white monsters that lived down there in blood and goo and ate people. In the end... no maybe I shouldn't reaveal the story, you might want to see it just for the fun of how bad it was! The other movie was better... 'The Wedding Crasher'. Saw it yesterday, laughed so hard that it hurt, and felt really good. The only thing is I miss romantic places and sharing romantic things with my romantic boyfriend. Sucks.

I've also been at the theatre. Saw 'Hysteria' a play about guilt, regret and neurosis of the human mind etc. Freud in his last days remembering the things he did, the choices he made and the consequences. Fucking really depressing, made me feel like shit.

Studying has also taken a great part of my life. Both saturday and sunday were quite devoted to it. I'm at least lying on track, not before not behind. It's quite easy right now, but I can see how difficult it will get like... in a week or so.

On sunday morning I woke up at 9 (!). This is a very freaky thing to do when you're in uni and it's sunday morning. But I slept like 11PM the day before due to the stupid play (see above) and when I woke up I felt really good, and I wanted to get out of my room to the sunshine. So I went jogging! Me + jogging = no. I jogged around the campus, listening to music and I loved it! So sunday morning's I will go jogging. That's a plan.

What about people? Hm. Me and Jon are still best friends. I've gotten close to Lucy in my kitchen... We connected because she has a bf in France (who's coming to visit in 5 days actually!) and because we are both anti-consumerism, anti-McD, anti-multicorporational companies taking over the world. She went to France this summer and lived an alternative lifestyle... in a community without shopping, consumption etc. There is a distinct difference between us though, she's a study maniac and... well, I'm not. There's also Kosa. The other people from Orientation "gang" are not close anymore. I had dinner at Heidi's, but I had to listen to her talk about the two neighbor guys one liking her, but he's like a brother and and she liking one, but he like someone else... for 3 hours!!!!! In the end I went crazy I think. How can somebody's mind be filled with GUYS 24hrs a day??

It's the morning now, monday. I have to go to my french seminar. Extra hour french to help me get better. Yay!

The Rain has Started

I have been in my room tonight. It feels like the first time I'm truly sitting down in the evening without going to any society socials or party, or even hanging out with friends. I was alone. Well, not really, I had my laptop... and I had internet. I had MSN, and it's crazy how I'm starting to use MSN again. And talking to people I never used to talk to again.

I'm going to crawl into bed now, and cover myself in blanket and be with myself because it feels nice. And the rain is pouring outside and I'm so safe. In a little isolated world of young students and study. If I just walk out there's people... there's so many people surrounding me all the time it would be strange later on when they're not.

Swimming is nice as well. I tried the pool at the Sports Centre. The trance of one lap and another, just cleaning all your head is wonderful. Then later me and Kosa went to Learning Grid (which is a place with lots of computer and tables and chairs and books) and studied for 3 hours. He helped me with my french "pendant le vacance" and I could not help him with his very uberhard math problems. Studying there was much better than being alone in my room, because then I just feel bored and lonely. At least there, you have to study. And Kosa's really quiet, so we managed quite well without much chatting here and there.

I want my red wellies back now. Now that its raining. JB, you'll have to bring them next time. :) Love you.

Kareoke

I came back around 8PM to Warwick, after a long winding weekend journey to London. Celebrate Jen's 18th Bday. Happy Birthday again and again! We had a wonderful night on saturday. Dinner at Kaslik (Lebanese restaurant) then out to the Eve Club (posh place with colorful dancefloor that switched colors). Later we slept all three of us cramped in a little 90cm bed with one blanket. I don't know how we managed, but we did sleep well.

Jen got a mug saying "Cat-lover" and a hippo handtowel plus two bday cards from me. And from em a book "Change the world with a fiver". Hope you liked the presents from us poor students. =)

I got back at 8PM and called Jon, he came straight to meet me so I never felt alone coming back to university again. He hadn't eaten dinner either so we went to Rootes Social and grabbed a burger. At Rootes they were having a kareoke night, so anybody could sing. After food we were like we have nothing better to do, why not sing a song. So i picked Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" and headed for the "stage". It was such a great feeling, and I sang so well, and everybody cheered. Finally I think I found something I'm good at, and it feels gooood.

Afterwards this girl was like "are you a professional singer?"
"No, I just sing for fun" I said.
"Well you sure look like a singer!" She replied.

I love singing.

Settled In

I had a free day today. No lectures in the middle of the week. Wonderful. Woke up at 10, talked to Julian, talked to my whole family in China. Said happy birthday to grandma that's 70 today. Read a little Economics, and found it interesting. The allocation of limited resources, why we choose the way we do, how everything relates to each other... it's really fundamental. Later went to Warwick Volunteers different stands for different project. I'm most probably going to be helping the Refugee Centre in Coventry, maybe with their youth project Jigsaw which is meeting up once every week with children 11-16 and do things together, make them feel happy in England.

Saw Garden State again last night. It was good for me, got into a little deep mood of life is beautiful and too short to be wasted away. Got me thinking again, and feeling more intuned with everything around me. I think the good thing about that movie is, it makes you feel safe about yourself. I'm so comfortable being me, I'm not striving to become something else, there's no high scary goals to have to reach, I'm not trying to prove anything to anybody, or to impress. I just want to do what I love... which is?

I'm heading off to Photography Society now. I think these kind of mellow, creative things are good for me. I'm not a competitor, I don't want to win over anyone. I just want to be me.

Photoresque

I've had this idea bubbling for a while that I should put up one photo each day. It doesn't have to be taken on the day, but that it's about something. A pretty thing. So I will do it here:

http://photoresque.blogspot.com/

Enjoy.

P.S. I'm not using the Warwick Blog. Didn't like the fact that uni people could read it without me knowing... Freaks me out. Also like the layout of this blog more anyway.

A Lot of Bus Rides

I've been sitting on buses a lot these two days. Sunday 6AM up to go to London, today 6AM up to go back to Warwick. It's a bit tough, but I'm not that tired actually. Today on the bus I got to clear out my thoughts a little bit, it gets to you when things are happening too fast. Especially if you haven't even settled into one place and suddenly find yourself (after a long spinning ride of bus) in Victoria Station. Middle of London. Like why am I here?

I was there today morning. Can you believe it? And now I'm back in my cozy little room in Warwick. It was wonderful coming back, I actually missed the isolation of the little town, city, university or whatever you call it. It was a bit awkward in the beginning, suddenly off the bus, I'm back and I don't see anybody I know. I had to hold a presentation almost directly (on Sainsbury's management) and it went well. I had a Accounting & Finance lecture that went okay, and after that me and Jon went for some fish&chips.

I took it easy tonight. The societies fair was today and will be tomorrow as well. I got so excited, there are finally stuff I like! No more damn sports society. Volleyball sucks. Or I suck at volleyball whatever the case. Anyway, I joined the Baobab society today, as well as the Salsa and Musical and perhaps the newspaper as well. Baobab is the African society and they had a little introduction meeting at the Arts Centre tonight. I went all by myself and met two other Zambians! My god it wonderful talking about nshima, and gtenges, and Victoria Falls and about making african food together and dancing and singing! Everybody was so friendly and so in love with Africa, I felt so home. Strange?

I'm Swedish. I'm chinese. I'm studying International Business with French. And I feel most home with African societies. I love this. It's all spinning for now, but maybe it will clear later on. I really really love this.