Hats on, Yoho!

The day of Graduation-Hats-Finally-Arriving-On-Your-Head has finally arrived and begone. It was yesterday. We all gathered out in the school yard, holding our pretty little white hats and hoping the sun would shine. The principal made her very comical speech as always, although probably not deliberatly. She talked about flowers and bees, and spring, and about birds singing in the trees. It was only for a few minutes, then she said: "Hip hip hurrah! hip hip hurrah!" And off were the hats on our heads... and everybody was laughing and screaming, finally realizing that our school days are over (soon).

The sun shone at that moment, and no I'm not hallucinating. It was a pretty happy moment. All those bad thoughts I've been having for the past weeks are just like blown away, and I'm so relieved and think "maybe I will enjoy it after all".

At night we went to Little Persia, a bar in Söder. They had cushions and low stools, very much like a café. We were six girls talking about everything, and it was a nice change of surrounding. It was like oh, new people, how do you communicate. But in the end we hit it off quite well, haha, and I was the only one with a boyfriend so.... (nanananana)... no, what I'm trying to say is that makes me appreciate my current situation even more. ^_^ Also got rid of five freaking tickets! Another relief... only three left.

Pictures below...

I won a little piggy!

So, yesterday had a little surprise for Julian, which was taking him to Gröna Lund (the tivoli). Was a wonderful day, bit cold, even of the sun. Went into Spökhuset for the first time in my life, and was pretty freaked out. The most stupidest thingy was taking my little sister in as well, she cried... Anyway.

Grönan feels like home after being there so many times, and you know that it will always be the same the next time. Well sort of, the moved pop expressen inside where radiobilarna used to be and where it was before is "the new surprise of the year" (we didn't get to see it unfortunately) and Go-kart is gone, replaced by radiobilarna. Yes, so we went on everything, except extreme because it had km long lines. I still think I like Katapulten and Frittfall most, Katapulten the second time when you fall, when you are relaxed... Frittfall is just nice.

Also took Julian to the Kärlekstunnel ♥ First time in my life had a boy with me when riding that boat... It's like a dream come true.

But the wonderfulest moment was when we were gonna do femkamp, and it was like basketball hoops. You pay 10kr for one ball, and if you get it in you get a prize. We both got a ball each, and to the big surprise of everybody Janie's basket talent decided to show, and wooo my ball bounces of the hoop and into the hoop next to it! Haha, so I won a little piggy! (Julian unfortunately wasn't as lucky as I was)

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finally, booked.

ah, again i have poured too much water over my head.

first of all there's what mom says, then dad says, then my boyfriend says, and my friend says... and everything just gets into my head, and i have to do this way and that, and i go coo-coo.

basically, i had to book chinese flight tickets. dad get's this call today with uber-cheap tickets only 4800kr, and i have to book book very urgently. so i call emelie, homephone down, mobile no one answer, i call jen no one at home (remember she's at art class), then i call julian.. who say's why do you call me, i can't decided anything before you talk to emelie and jen. Then i get stressed, because the tickets are getting booked, and every second is precious. I try to call emelie again, and she answers, and she CAN go on 30th, then i call jen who is home finally and she can go on 30th. so i go YIPIEE, and book the tickets. then julian to tell the great news, but he's watching LOST so won't answer the phone, and i call emelie and jen and they both say okay. then julian calls back, and i tell him the great news, and he goes "but why didn't you talk to me before booking?"

and i go o_O and start crying.

then my dad and mom get's really worried and run over to me sobbing my the computer, dad by the way has been sitting beside me almost all the time when i was booking, helping me with the stuff. nice supportive dad who will let me use his credit card. anyway, then we cry and scream a bit at each other, and say we are not angry with each other but the voice level is like up HERE. anyway, and i feel very self-pitying, thinking how i have been sitting trying to book tickets all evening and planning the trip, and sacrificing so much, while he screams about how he has given in semesterpaper thingy and it might not work... but then it might work, because i have to stop sobbing right, so in the end it's all fine.

my father says: he's too narrow-minded, too "si" (stuck) he has to be more like a man and make sure everything's fine.
my mother says: that's good, because he's not a player, he treats janie well.
then they argue for a bit.

but my mother also thinks i'm insane taking all this responsibility. i mean what do i get out from this?? just imagine, booking train tickets, hotels, buses, translating, making sure they feel all fine in china, eating the right things, not getting lost, their money in the right place, i feel like hönsmamma. haha, and it hasn't even started.

so guy don't depend too much on me, i'll try my best, but if something goes wrong i can just imagine the blame and shame. explain to your dear parents that this is YOUR trip, not something like "we are staying at janies place" and JANIE WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU. because what if janie can't, although she'll try. but something can happen to me just as easy as it might happen to you...

anyway if you say one single little word bad about china or my planning or me, i will be pissed off and cry. HAHA. yes, im that sensitive.

42 kg.

I'm too fat. 42 is too much, I want to be 30, then 20, then 10... then back to ZERO. I want to vanish. Diminish day by day, slowly shrinking into emptiness. The emptiness that once did not exist, but increases every second. Swallowing every part of me, every little gram of me I had, taking everything. Consuming me.

If i disappear, would you notice?

My feelings have gone cold, just like the rest of my soul. The soul that once burnt like a fire for what it believed in, the soul I gave a way. Time by time, it got slashed, and what I'm i without it? A hollow shell of 42 kg. That might just as well be gone too, what use has it if there's nothing inside?

I want to lie down and sleep, sleep a very long time...

I'm too tired. Already sick of this rollercoaster ride, wanting to throw up once again. Except it always get stuck, and never comes out. All the words, they rummage, they're chaotic in my mind. Hurricane behind my eyelids, but such peace outside. STUCK. Inside this 42 kg, cannot reach out. THEY SCREAM. THEY SCREAM. Screaming for attention, not knowing who will catch her if she falls. What happened to security, what happened to trust? Replace by jealousy that never existed before. Such disgust, such distaste. Such seriousness. When did life become fun-less. Don't want to have anything to do with it all.

Want to escape. Escape this 42 kg.

Hungry, stuffing myself with food, wanting to fill this hole. Trying to heal myself, from the ugliness that is consuming me. I keep trying, and trying... But it's never content, it never get enough. And i only get smaller. Shrink into nothingness.

And all I want is for you to see me... but you see right through me.

Re-porcelain doll-ed

Haha! I have finally remembered to grab dad's harddisk where all my old files where stored since we changed computer... And i got to see all my pretty website again! And tons of funny pictures and videos. Ah, memories.

Anyway, have been working on my Zambia Dairy website, and so far this is how it looks like: http://www.ilikezambia.tk .

Also have re-uploaded my Porcelain Doll website, thought I shouldn't forget my glorious days as a pop singer. Haha, so you can find it at: http://www.porcelaindoll.tk.

Some girl commented on my music and said: "Oh my gawd i love your songs! its like your lyrics are intoxicating or something.. they go perfectly with the music! keep up the good work! and put up more songs ^^; xoxo-Emily"

o_O maybe i should reconsider and become a pop singer??

anyway, been enjoying myself and re-finding the past few years. see it's not good to forget, i did some heck of a fun things.. i have to learn a way to keep track of them. make a website or write a book or something. ^^

Sitting on needles

It's not good to not like your current situation. The place you are currently situated. My title is not meant word by word. But being in Sweden is like sitting on needles, it hurts my ass just to walk around this place!

I have found BootnAll this wonderful traveller's website and now I'm all into it again. It feels so great and refreshing that I can start planning my next get-a-way to CHINA, CHINA, CHINA! I'm also very inspired to keep a travellers blog, which means i have to finish writing my Zambia Diary!! I'm going to make a website of some sort, I have to... I can't just forget and let all my passions run through man fingers like sand and then be... sand (gone).

Anyway, needles only for two more month. Then my ass will feel good again!