A puzzle of memories or me?

I've just been rummaging through all my old diaries, the more interesting ones i find when I went to 9th grade before coming to High School. I have exactly the same kind of thoughts sometimes, just trying to fit in, and making the best of the situation. Also i was looking forward to the future, of a new life in Kungsholmen. Hoping things will all be different then, which they indeed have in a great extent.

20020407 (almost 3 years ago)
I'm afraid. Afraid of not getting a Romeo and Juliet episod of my life. Afraid of not getting any family. Afraid of my fire burning out. Afraid of living an unknown person in Sweden. Afraid of never getting freedom to travel. Afraid of what the world has to offer. Afraid of choosing the wrong roads. Afraid of coming to a dead end. Afraid of myself and what I can do to me. Afraid of reality ruining me. Afraid of FATE. Afraid of no one scattering my ashes over the river... Afraid. But I guess right now I'm mostly afraid of not experiencing true love and true love back. We'll see... We'll see... We'll see...

So we saw. And we saw TRUE LOVE. But still we are AFRAID. Afraid of loosing, afraid of complexity, afraid of adult-hood. More so, still afraid of myself, but am becoming better friends with myself now, and hopefully I will know what to do with myself in the future. But most probably, I won't.

20020727
Read the news today, with the first page about a big fire in Södermalm. Dad talked about Jenny's phone call yesterday, saying that they have moved to a new apartment in Söder. Then my stupid mouth which is totally TOO attached to the brain, said:

"Did it burn up?"

I mean sometimes things like that just flies from my brain and then they fly right through my mouth. After that dad held a lecture about me making enemies with my bad habit.

That bad habit still sees the light of day... slapslap janie's mouth.

Also, read this; a poem I wrote almost exactly two years ago. I still feel the same, and JB's right, I want too many things. I'm affected by too many things. I was like that, and maybe I always will be like that. Without that, I'm not really me. So some things will never change I guess.

So what have I learnt today? In order to help others, you have to help youself first. So in order to understand and know others, you have to know and understand yourself. I won't turn my back on myself again and I won't betray myself. STICK TO WHAT I BELIEVE IN.

/elevation of kitsch/

“The kitsch kitchen... has aqua-and-white gingham curtains and rubber duck-yellow walls painted in a fried-egg motif” (Suzanne Cassidy).

i love kitsch. i have always been a big fan of kitsch. kitsch is tasteless, it's tacky, VULGAR. it's ugly so it's beautiful. it's luminous, colorful, happy... it's mismatch, it's scrap, it's garbage... it's ART. and i love it.

i want my life to weird. i want my life to kitsch, to be tacky, vulgar and BEAUTIFUL. strange. mysterious. sentimental. neurotic. but it's really quite normal.

so. my artsy fartsy side is coming up again. and my life is going on... i want a studio apartment, or like a old factory renovated into a yellow brick house, filled with lots of ugly things =)

i like being me. even when i do stupid things, and wreck the whole world awound. i guess that's a part of being alive, and if i pinch myself i probably won't wake up. i'm just getting to know myself better day by day, and then maybe the post-me will be different from the pre-me, who will know?

i think i can change. to some extent. but i'd still be attracted to kitch, to the ugliness you see that i find so beautiful.

i want you inside me, stonehard

so janie might be a little sexually frustrated. ahem. can't wait till period is over and just f*** my brains out. ahem. i can't believe i'm writing this...

ignore the previous statement.

i want to write a normal entry, and talk about normal things like things on my mind. but apparently they are not very normal, so tabooboo. SEX SEX SEX. gah, what is wrong with my hands today! they are just typing way into SEX-HOOD.

o_O

slap.

anyway. i'm into before sunset all over again, it's like re-phase. i just say the first half of ít today in a totally different light. it's so beautiful, and she's so like me. i want to be just like her.

so, i've come in terms (sort of) with coming back now. not very in tuned with the DAILY life as such... yet. i do feel that forgetting is coming, certain smells and flashes of memories don't flash in my head anymore. very sad. so i really need to finish typing in my diary before i don't bother. i've written four letters, at least that's done. i don't want to forget though, i don't want to get use to this life anymore. and the first signs of that is now i'm gradually starting to look forward uni again... and i care about my stupid grades.

but there's something more out there, life is not just this puny little complain hole. and it's fucking good to know that!

slapback to the absurd reality

I'm still in a daze. A empty, hollow little daze of after-shake of Zambian impressions. I have never felt as lonely has I have done these past few days, and that I believe is really due the contrast. The coldness of the weather, the coldness of the people. I'm not used to not being surrounded by at least five black faces at once. It takes getting use to the I'm-living-in-a-city-with-1-million-people-all-around-me-but-I'm-all-alone-and-would-never-speak-to-them-thing.

It's the whole poor people who don't have that much material things, but live in a little village thing. Walking to each others houses when it's dark, and just chatting loud enough to be heard over the crickets singing outside the veranda. Then walking home again under the trillions of stars forming a milkey way that feels glued to the dark sky. The little dirt path that has hidden holes and bumps, you could trip anytime. When you get home you splash yourself with the cold water that is actually lukewarm because it's been in the sun, and then you crawl in to your little mosquito net without any blanket.

Then it's dark. And you sleep like a baby. No computer, no tv, no books. Just lots of time with people and conversations. I miss it so much. It hurts so much to be back, a paralyzing pain of WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING HERE? This life is not a life. It's only a little part of life. And it's not good enough for me anymore.

in zambia

ah, might as well just update diary instead of writing emails. so saw the rhinos today, was so overwhelmed i started crying of joy. they were sleeping so the guards took us really really near. there's two of them left now, molly and fwanya. female and male. they are the adorablest thing ever living. i love rhinos.

anyway, yesterday saw the victoria falls, and i think i just fell in love. it was like going to paradise, gah so hard to explain the feeling. the masses of 10 million liter water/minute crashing down the gorge. the adrenalin kick.

gah want to write more but gotta go, kat is apparently done with her comp. puh. cya guys soon.