adieu 2005

As tradition holds. Last day of year should be seeing me reading my past diary entries and remembering, categorizing, sorting out memories and put labels and stuff them into shoeboxes of my right lobe de brain. It has taken me quite a long time to do so, as there is many diary entries = Eventful Year. Possibly the most eventful year of my life so far, but with hope life getting more eventful next year (possible?).

Events of 2005:
- Going to Hurghada, Egypt with family + julian. (tick off: riding camels, seeing Luxor, snorkelling, jeep safari out in desert.)
- Month later going to Zambia, which can be summarized as "trip that changed my life." (tick off: seeing live rhinos 3 meters away (!), being showered by Victoria Falls, visiting chief of rural african village, eating nshima, shaking booty on stage of african high school, shitting outside, washing hair with only a 50cl bottle..., oh and holding speech in front of 1000 students!)
- Graduating from high school (tick off: lots of partying, lots of presents, partying on truck cruising stockholm, and also receiving stipendium for good achievement yay)
-Becoming 18.
- Summer, going ONE month to China with bf + em& jen, where i discovered my love for hostelling, and alternative tourism. (tick off: climbing Huang Shan, hiking 10km of broken Great Wall, introducing bf with huge chinese family, being translator 24/7, partying in China with friends.)
- Return few days to Stockholm then off to Norway, driving with my family. (tick off: seeing beautiful fjords, love for norwegian nature, Ålesund's "cutting" Atlantic town, sleeping in many stugor)
- Starting UNIVERSITY! of Warwick, England. (tick off: living by myself, student-life, making own food, sitting in lecture halls, too many drunk nights to count, playing tennis, absinthe, randomness, breaking up with bf once, breaking up with bf twice, cheating... making out with a girl during truth or dare, tick off: CHANGES)
- Going to Brussels, Antwerp, Bruges, Belgium and Amsterdam, Holland with Misato. (tick off: travelling with a "soulmate", stolen wallet, sharing dorm with 16 other girl, sharing room with 2 italian guys, belgian waffles and frites, wonderful bars and cafes, living in christian hostel, which felt like home, spending time with strangers, and style style style!)

Creativess of 2005:
Panamarenko, Suburban Kids with Biblical Names, Elias, MoMu Museum of Fashion (Antwerp), Van Gogh, The Subways, Mr.Scruff, Club Killers (Debaser) etc?

Songs of 2005:
let's just fall in love - marit bergman
only this moment - röyksopp
do you realize?? all we have is now - the flaming lips
sleep the clock around - belle & sebastian
sleeping in - the postal service
something about us - daft punk

Thoughtful thoughts of 2005:
"When you love someone else how do you prove that the love before really existed. If [insert name of choice] decides he doesn't know me, then has everything vanished?"

"The clouds are too low. The cover the mountains. The edges are smudged. There's no clear line of contrast between land and sky."

"Growing up is really the most absurd thing. It's slowly creeping poison. The process is unrecognizable and so natural. Yet, I can't seem to get how SURREAL and weird it is."

"Will my parents ever get to know the parents of my future friends? Parents were out of the picture before but now they can actually become friends with my friends. Just like me becoming friends with my teachers."

"There's so many depressing things in Sweden I can't wait to leave. New "inslag" will be highly appreciated."

"Was good because I started on myself before hand. Easy to come. Easy to go."

"I've always had a fascination for beds. People could be on the bed all their life. Travel on them (like those beds that fly), with bedknobs."

"My mind is so confused. There's so much things I wnt to feel but each is more deceptive than the other. My need for illusions. I thought I like [insert name of choice]. But I don't. I just wanted closeness and somebody who understood me, I wanted to click. I don't feel anything for him. I want [insert name of choice]. I feel so bad... such claustrophobic guiltness. There's no way to turn back time. The only reason I let it happen is because I take things too lightly. I thought I felt something but what was I thinking??? How did things develop this way?"

"My life is crazy. Absurd. Fucking shit. I'm drunk."

"I'm becoming rational. I want to use my head now. Can't let my feelings decide for what it wants now. But that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I just need to learn how to keep those feelings and thoughts to myself. I won't be happy if I didn't feel, but just going for "what do you feel like now" doesn't work either."

"I need too much. Every time I'm in a moment. Happy or sad or lonely I want somebody else feeling it. I want to share everything emotion I have."

"Weird things always happen in my life. Like fate, or accidents. I seem to have constant drama whether I like it or not. I never look for it. Or do I?"

"I just want to be left alone. No one judging me, and no one I judge either. I want flexibility. In people around. The fact that life is short and certain things are no big deal really. Blowing up everything is childish, but irresponsibility is also childish. So what am I? ... Why do people believe I'm in a certain way. What am I capable of? I'm a free emotional creature, and I want to stay that way. How?"

So. 2005. Where BIG changes took place, both in me and around me. Mostly realized that I change, and that the change is constant. Me = CHANGE. so What is me? Change. Man, I even get confused at that.

Lastly...
"My life experience has enrichened me, I'm half cynical yet optimistic. I'm so much things all at once. I sometimes see my future as a old lady would see her past. Some mistakes, some happiness... I can foretell them before they take place, yet I will not do anything to stop it. Every moment I'm living has already turned into a memory, they pass too fast, and I know all this in my head. I know me sitting writing about them later when I'm feeling it then. Life is too short and moments pass too fast..."